RANT:DH being a jerk

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
RANT:DH being a jerk
7
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 12:52am

I am having just one of those nights. DH went back to work last week and I had been really struggling with it. Not with taking care of Gabby on my own but the fact that when he comes home from work he doesn't take care of her automatically. I have to ask him to change her diapers or hold her. When he does he is awesome with her but I have to ask himto do it.

Today she has been crabby and needy all afternoon. We went to my parents tonight so my mom had her most of the night and when we got home I fed her. Then asked him to change her diaper. I was then trying to calm her to get her to go down and she wouldn't. So i put her in her swing. I was having a snack and she started to fuss and he just let her fuss while I was eating and kept watching his stupid tv show. I thengot up and got her and she continued to fuss. He then looks at me and says "oh fussy one. ...what's wrong" and it just makes me so mad. I just want him to take her when gets home and spend time with her. I knew this was going to happen. I am with her 24 hours a day.

We talked about it and he said he acknowledges that he hasn't taken care of her the past few days. Even though it's bee longer than a few days. But he didn'. Say it would change so we will have to talk some more.

Anywaythanks for listening.














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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2008
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 4:43am

Ok, I'm not starting this off to rub it in, but DH is a great daddy, loves his daughter, and does a lot of her care....but the care part doesn't happen automatically.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 8:15am

That sounds really frustrating, Jess. I agree with Jen - I don't think care-giving comes naturally or automatically for a lot of men. It's something they learn over time, so you'll probably have to talk to him a lot about it.

Hang in there - I'm sure he'll get better at it if you give him guidance!








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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 8:35am

Jess: I agree that with some men it just doesn't come automatically. My DH, while I know will be a great dad (not that he isn't already to DS, but DS was older when we got together), I think will need prompting. He's one that needs (and tells me to tell him) what needs to be done and when to do it. It's just the way it is.

Also are you letting DH have some space when he gets home from work. He might need sometime to unwind before getting into full daddy mode. Personally I would give him some space, and then hand off DD to him and let him know you need him to take care of her while you do X,Y and Z (whatever that may be).

Also talk to him about it. Let him know you want to come up with a baby care plan you think is fair to both of you, and agree to revise it as work/home situations change. Writing down and showing him and example of her schedule might help him realzie all the care that goes into a newborn.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 9:37am

Thanks ladies! I just have to realize that things aren't going to be the same with him as they are with me. I think part of the issue is that we haven't really discussed how things would work when he got home from his day. He apologized this morning for how he handled it and we are going to talk tonight.

Thanks again!














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Registered: 12-04-2007
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 11:52am
Jess- My DH is the exact same way. I think since he isn't with the baby all day, it just isn't second nature to him to respond to all those types of things. It can be kind of exasperating, but typically if I ask him to do things he's happy to do them, and I don't think it's like he intentionally ignores James. Also, it's changed a lot as James has gotten older. When James was tiny it was exactly like you described, but now that James is more fun to play with DH always plays with him right away when he gets home. I think sometimes guys are at a bit of a a loss of what to do with a small infant, but as they get into the toddler stage the relationship changes a lot. I would just try not to get to irritated and ask him to help with things that need done. As she gets a little older and he watches her by himself from time to time, that will help too, right now he's just not used to being responsible for her.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 2:07pm
Jess, I agree with all the PP.. Sometimes it's not that easy for men to take care of a small baby, no matte rhow much they love him/her.
And, as my DH once said... When they come home, we (the moms) are usually so tired of caring for the baby, and we need "me time" so much that we just handle the baby to them. Most of the times we don't realize that they are getting home after an exhausting day at work, and need to unwind before they can give their best as dads.
And something else. A friend once told us how he felt "left out" when the baby was young. He said "to the baby you are just the other dude... the one without boobs!" It takes a while until they feel appreciated as dads.




Edited 9/24/2010 9:00 am ET by bailarina2005

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 10:59pm

Jessica,



Rest assured that you are not alone! I think this is one of the top complaints among new moms. I went through the same thing with my DH. He is getting better, but still no mind-reader. Like the PP's said, you have to be specific and tell him what you need.



(((HUGS)))