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|Tue, 09-11-2012 - 3:27pm|
I've been thinking about this post fore months maybe... a little embarrased to put all this feelings in words. I've said many times that I've met sme true friends in this board... so friends, help me out here!
I come from a catholic family. Not strict catholics, but we did go to mass every sunday, and I've always tried to live a Christian life. As a teen and a young adult I was really active in the youth groups, and mi parish was a huge part of my life. but then I got older (past 25) and I felt less and less comfortable with the kids. That was the end of my "involved" years... And I discovered that without that, going to church became kind of boring.
Then I met DH, and although he is also a catholic, he is more of the kind that goes to church only "when he feels like it". wich is probably once a month. So instead of being obvious, now we had to "plan" going to mass and make room for it on the weekend schedule. Then we had kids, and the option is to take them there and suffer the entire time because they are fussy or bored. Or leave them with grandparents... it doesn't sound so complicated, but it is to me. Most of the times it`s easier to just not go.... And since to Catholics, skipping mass is a sin, meaning that you need to go to confession or else you can't take communion.... It's been two years now since the last time I had communion. It's hard to explain, but without it you feel like an outsider in the Mass.
And I feel like I'm drifting apart. Badly. And doubts are taking root in my soul. Sometimes I think that it's like a garden that's not been watered in along time. Other times I think that maybe I was "under the influence" and now I'm seeing things clearer.
Specifically about God's existence, or maybe not his existence, more about whether he really cares about us or not.
Motherhood changed me. Once I knew the fierce love a parent can feel for a child, I just can't believe a loving and omnipotent God would let a parent loose a child. I just can't wrap my mind around it. I remember answering those same questions to those kids I used to teach at the youth groups and saying things about "God's will" and about "man's free will", and I feel like such a liar. Because when it come's down to the naked truth, someone lost a loved one and God didn't stop it...
I want to believe in Him again, I truly do. And maybe this is just a crisis and I'll come out of it with a stronger more mature faith, but right now all I feel is that I'm loosing it.
I know many of you have a strong faith, and maybe others are struggling like me. I'd really like to know your feelings on this. Maybe sharing this with you will help me.