When is the right time to try?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
When is the right time to try?
8
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 2:01pm

Not really sure if this discussion belongs here, so please feel free to remove/PM me.

 

DH is 39 in Nov, I am 25, married 1 year/been together over 3.

 

Both career minded, though I have not finished school and am honestly not sure I want to.

 

The dilemma is our age difference.. He is adamant on not having children past 40ish, and I don’t know if I’m ready right now, though my window is shrinking – FAST.

 

I’m terrified of the dramatic life changes… though I know I could adapt, and honestly, who really regrets having children? It’s just my clock hasn’t really started ticking yet and neither has his really, he has told me repeatedly the decision is mine, and that he is “good either way” and supports whatever decision I make.

 

We own our home, he is a business owner, I have a full time job, we have a great marriage…

 

Everyone in the family is encouraging us, constantly pointing out how stable our life is and how we’ve lived together for so long we could give a child a great home and upbringing.

 

I’m just… not sure. Should I TTC just because of this fast shrinking window? What if my clock starts ticking in my 30s and it’s too late? I respect my husbands age boundary, as it has existed from the beginning.

 

Help!

Community Leader
Registered: 02-06-2006
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 8:24am
*blush*

Thanks Erica. I really had no idea how joyful, overwhelming, precious, awful and staggeringly huge pregnancy would feel to me - often all at the same time. It's a heck of a ride so far. For me and my husband.

I'd hate for anyone to rush into it - I'm so very glad I had my 20s to play - but I'd really hate for anyone with a yearning for motherhood to miss the opportunity.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2001
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 4:21pm
^^^^^ Excellent Post right there!!! ^^^^^

You really said it all, Jamie. Reading about how your husband treasures you brought tears to my eyes.
Photobucket
Community Leader
Registered: 02-06-2006
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 7:07am
"I’m terrified of the dramatic life changes… though I know I could adapt, and honestly, who really regrets having children?"

Oh lord girl, I hear you!! I'm also hugely afraid of big change. I hate change. Looking back I've realized that I actually really didn't like being engaged (as excited as I was for it to happen) because that formal period where the marriage was this big impending thing made me anxious as hell. Pretty much any major change in my life has been the source of extreme amounts of anxiety and the transition is always very, very hard for me. College, law school, getting married - all terrified the hell out of me. And, all ended up being wonderful in the end.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant right now and I can honestly say I never really felt "baby fever." We got pregnant by accident early last summer and I was MISERABLE when I found out. Totally overwhelmed, not ready, felt very trapped. It was hideous. On paper it was like - why not? I was 30 then, had been with my husband for almost eight years, married for almost three, he was 34, our marriage was fantastic, careers were on track, we owned a condo, had done a good amount of traveling and blowing money on fun stuff, etc. But I just felt awful. Totally sideswiped by the whole thing.

After several weeks of hormones kicking into gear and just mentally settling down, it started to feel a little bit more exciting and like not such a bad thing after all. When we lost the baby at 15.5 weeks, I can honestly say I was devastated. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. So, it REALLY didn't take long for that little one to go from being a disaster to the most important thing in my life.

We tried again, pretty much as soon as we could and I got pregnant quickly. I wouldn't exactly call that period "baby fever" though. It was more like a reaction to grief than anything else. And even though this pregnancy was very wanted, I still have felt a ton of anxiety about becoming a mother. I'm still "not ready" in many, many ways for this. But I figured that I'm never really ready for any change and there are times where I just have plow through and change anyway, because left to my own devices I'd sit around thinking about it forever.

While I don't think you should let family or friends pressure you in any way - evaluating your life to see how a baby will fit in, practically speaking and how set up you are to handle a baby is not a bad idea. Having a supportive partner who will be into the pregnancy is huge. If your husband is into it, that will make a big difference. My husband is overjoyed about this phase of our life and sometimes I feel like he's worshiping at the altar of my fertility. It's almost like he's in awe of me and he's done everything he can to make me feel beautiful, taken care of, comfortable... It's been a really amazing part of our marriage. He's always been a fantastic partner, and I've always felt very loved by him. But now I feel precious and adored in a way that I never could have anticipated. It's beautiful and as anxious as I am about motherhood, I'm so glad I'm here in this moment, having this, and not still pondering whether or not I'm ready to give up drinking and carousing! And God knows, it helps make up for how physically sh*tty I feel some days! Ha!

Anyway, after our loss it really hit me that regardless of how "ready" or not ready I was feeling, it was the *perfect* time for us in a lot of ways. And if I sat around waiting to be walloped by some visceral, hormonal need for babies, I might while away the really good years when pregnancy is easy to achieve, grandparents are young and can help, my husband and I have a lot of energy, etc.

I think Erica gave great advice when she said that if you truly see yourself becoming a mother some day, then starting a bit earlier than was your original plan will probably turn out just fine. If you're on the fence about having kids at all though, waiting might be a good idea as you sort through your feelings.

Good luck with your choice. It's certainly a big one! And be prepared to have mixed feelings no matter what you decide. I careen from thrilled and overjoyed about my little boy to stark raving terror about the massive changes he's going to bring to my body, my life, my marriage, my everything. Motherhood changes you so fundamentally, I can't imagine NOT feeling ambivalent about taking the plunge.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2011
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 1:34pm
I've struggled with this issue as well, and it took me a very long time to be at a point to TTC. I just had to listen to my heart. How would you feel if you accidentally got pregnant now? Can you give it a year or so, or will that be too late for him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2001
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:43pm
Hi there. Your question certainly belongs here. Welcome!

A few things come to mind. First, you should not let the pressure from family/friends (even kind, well-intentioned comments) move you toward parenthood before you are ready. That is a decision that can only be made by you and your husband. (I personally believe that God is in the mix there, too. :smileywink: ) But anyway...I think most women will attest to having a feeling of "being ready." On the other hand, lots of women jump in with both feet, and they grow into the sense that they were ready for motherhood even while they were already pregnant! Something just sort of clicks. But everyone is different! This isn't a rule...just a pattern I've noticed. If you imagine that you want to be a mother in the future, I suspect that when a baby actually comes into your life you will rise to the challenge and fall in love with your role. If you doubt that you actually want to raise children ever, then you really, REALLY need to not rush this decision.

Your DH said "40ish." Maybe take six months or a year, and take that time to reflect on your feelings about parenting and your relationship with your husband. After that period, see how you feel. DH won't be much beyond 40, right? You will have had more time to enjoy your new marriage and a chance to sort our your feelings. I became pregnant with my first child when I was 25, and the timing was perfect for us. We had been married for three years, and we felt that we had had a good amount of time to really enjoy each other. I was SO ready though. I couldn't pass a baby or pregnant woman without crying.

What you are feeling is very normal. I think every single one of the moms on here can remember having a few feelings of doubt and uncertainty with baby #1 and beyond. Even though I was ready to be a mom, when I saw that POSITIVE test, my first thought was "what did we just do????"

One final thought. I've been a mom for seven years (as of next week), and I cannot imagine having missed this experience. Motherhood has changed me in many ways, and it has helped me grow as an individual. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone, taught me greater compassion, and helped me dig into a deeper strength than I ever thought I might possess. Mostly I learned about loving in a purely unselfish way. If you think you want to be a mom even "someday," try not to miss the opportunity.

Good luck with your decision!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:25pm

It is a tough situation, but I'm glad that you asked, because here there are many ladies qith many different stories to share and help.

Personally, I  never felt my clock "ticking". I always knew I wanted kids one day, but I always saw it as something "in the future". I got pregnant when I was 28, exactly 2 weeks before getting married, and to be honest it was kind of a surprise to us. My husband was thrilled and I was SCARED! I was worried about the life changes and the responsability...

My son is 2 1/2 now. And long before he was born I already suspected it had been the best thing to happen to us. The kind of love I feel for my son is someting I couldn't have imagined, and the fulfillment he has brought to our lives is incredible. There are hard times, sure, but they are more than worth it!

A few months ago, we welcomed our baby daughter. Again, I never felt the "urge"  to TTC or "baby fever". I just knew I wanted a sibling for my son, and that our family didn't feel complete yet. And again, it was the best choice. I'm loving the baby stages even more this time around!

I already know I want a third, and perhaps this time I will feel baby fever... or maybe not, who knows?

So... if I were in your shoes, and thinking about all the reasons you gave (solid marriage, stability, etc..) and thinking about your husband's valid worries about age.... I wold go for it!!

But that is just me!!

Photobucket