Wish Things were easier

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Wish Things were easier
7
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 10:38pm

Hey ladies, I just need to vent/need some support. Many of you know my background. for those that don't here is quick summary.
* Been with DH for 9 total years (married for over 5 of that).
* Throughout the years we have had some hard times with him and porn and talking to women inappropriately (probably more times then I actually know about).
* In May of 2008 I found out he was having an affair with a woman he met off the internet. He was diagnosed as a Sex Addict and we have been in recovery ever since.
* January 2009 - found a great therapist who is certified in Sex Addiction and she saved my marriage, as the month before I was calling a divorce attorney.

Well he has been doing pretty well, he has had some slips where he has gone to look at porn (we have a internet blocker on our computers) but it's never been anything more than that. Today he left for a ski trip with his parents and he calls me as I am on the way to meet up with my cousin for dinner and says the following to me:

I have been having struggles the past few weeks and I want to talk more about it when I get home, but I wanted to tell you because the night I went out with Ron (his friend) I was flirting inappropriate with one of the women that was out with us.

Well first of all he didn't mention that when he went out (I stayed home) and 2nd this was like 3 weeks ago. He got trashed and spent the night at Ron's house. Well apparently when Ron saw this (or his friend talked to him) he talked to some other mutual friends of ours to see what he should do about it and then he called DH tonight to tell him he had to talk to me about it. I found out from DH that he didn't kiss or anything, but he had his hand on this chicks leg....which this isn't something he has done before. Yes he had an affair, but he got to know the woman over the internet. His urges have NEVER lead him to be this forward with strangers...so things we will have to talk about.

I am just feeling overwhelmed at this and with him not being home sad and disappointed and hurt and really missing him. I know it's strange, but he has done so well and i think all this baby stuff has made him have his slips (the stress from becoming a father) and it just concerns me that he isn't reaching out to his sponsor like he should be....just had to get it off my chest.

If you made it this far thanks for listening...Its going to be a LONG weekend!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 2:30pm
I wish there was somthing I could do to make things easier for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 2:27am

Jessica,


(((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you, girl! We are always here for you. :-)


First of all, I am glad to hear that DH came to you with this and you didn't find out accidentally. I think that is a great sign. Hopefully he would have told you about it even without his friend's prodding but regardless, he brought it up to you.


I'm sure him being away while receiving this news doesn't make it any easier but as you mentioned in the General thread, he is already reaching out to his sponsor and recognizes he slipped up.


I really give you a lot of credit because had you guys not met that great counselor, I probably would've filed for divorce as well. I hope that she will be able to get him back on track and address the source of the slip-up - stress of becoming a father or something else?


If you don't mind my asking, do your families know about his addiction? I'm just curious since you said he called you while on a trip with his parents.


Please KUP!! Big (((HUGS))) again


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 9:37am

Christine - Thanks so much! I really appreciate the support. There are a few select people that know about his addiction and our parents are not in that crowd. His brother and my SIL know, only because when I found out about the affair I called her right away (otherwise he would probably like them not to know). and the rest of the people that know are mainly people that I am just friends with or people that don't know him. He hasn't told any of his friends. My parents know that we are in counseling and that we have group couples counseling etc but they think it's for normal "marriage" stuff. I think my mom just forgets about it and I don't talk about it all that much.

His parents are totally in the dark, they think that everything is great, they never knew we were having the problems we were having, they don't know they son is an SA, they don't know we almost got a divorce. The main reason we didn't tell our families is because if we did work it out, I didn't want them to look down on Mike. My dad might have killed Mike for having an affair. If things ever don't work out in the future I will tell them, but it's nothing they need to know now.

He knows that I have two boundaries and those are, if I ever find out that I have any STD he is done, no questions asked. I don't care how many kids I have, I get tested every year now and if it ever comes back positive we are done. and also if he stops his recovery process and doesn't go back we are done. I am not going to spend my life with an addict that isn't about getting help.

It's been a long process and you are right if we hadn't found our therapist I wouldn't be here pregnant and still married. I owe her everything. we are SO lucky that we have one of the top Sex Addiction Therapists literally in our backyard (I can see her office from my backyard). Minnesota is one of the top leading states with Addiction specialists and for Sex Addiction it was the first place to have a Sex Addiction recovery center back in the 80's.

It's been a tough couple of months with the entire Tiger Woods thing. he is definitely a Sex Addict and I have a hard time when people talk about him and think that it's an excuse because he got caught. No one with all that to lose would risk that just to have sex. they just wouldn't. He wasn't thinking I am sure about the consequences of getting caught...anyway I will get off my soap box :)

Thanks again! I am very open to certain people about this subject so ask away.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 11:49am

I think it is important to have very clear boundaries and I have no doubt you will stick to

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 11:18pm

DH and I talked when he got home last night and it was a really good talk. He didn't make it to his support group meeting, but he did run into one of the guys (the leader) and set up a time for today to meet with him. So he met with him today and made a plan and we had our couples session this afternoon. IT was really good. We both learned some things about each other that we didn't.

His plan is to:
1. Put all the guys #'s into his phone for ease of reaching them, and he can't make excuses
2. He isn't going to hang out with the group of unhealthy friends that we have identified unless someone from his healthy group is there
3. He is only going to have a 1 drink out unless I am with then it's 2 or 3 at the most and if it's over 2 then we will discuss it ahead of time.

I think there was more but I can't remember it. I was really upset about other people knowing about his addiction (Since we have hidden it for so long) and he said if those people want to judge him or talk about him it doesn't matter and we can discuss with our true friends if they have questions. I didn't realize that's how he felt, so that helped.

I told him that I would rather him tell me about these slips/relapses rather than finding out another way, because that's worse than the actual slip/relapse. He has a really good attitude and we are both going to try harder to not let this addiction sneak up on us. We have to be diligent about it. I haven't forgiven him, but I have stepped forward towards forgiveness and thats' all I need.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 11:48pm

Jessica,


I'm glad you and DH were able to talk about all this. I'm sure you felt a huge relief to get everything off your chest before going to bed. With the continued support from your therapists and healthy circle of friends, you've got a great game plan. :-)


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 12:31pm

Jessica-I am glad you guys found a great therapist to help you work through things, I know this has been such a trying time for you.