First time on this bored not sure if this is the right place for this but seems like it may be and it's been weighing on me lately. My FDH and I just got a new place we both have kids from past relationships one girl and one boy, we both want to have another in the future together when we're ready. Well actually I have two kids one that I realized I couldn't support but couldn't "get rid of" so I found a wonderful family to adopt her and things couldn't have work out better for everyone except I'm still a little heart sore. It's an open adoption so I can visit and get pictures and she will know who I am but it's not the same as being mommy and that will always hurt me a little. My problem is I don't know when I will be ready to have another child. knowing that I have one out there that I'm not mommy to make it hard for me to justify having another one no matter how much better my current situation is. Now DFH is dropping hints left and right about having another child as soon as we can, The other day when we were unpacking he found this old diaper bag he got when his son was a baby and got all excited showing me all the "neat" compartments and talking about how handy it was for babies. I'll admit it make my heart beat faster in a happy way for a moment knowing that he wanted that he wanted a child with me and that he was that excited at the idea of someday...but it also made my heart hurt later it made me feel selfish almost guilty like how could I consider another child after I gave one up. I want more children I love children I've never been more happy than when I'm being mommy to my daughter my FSS or my ex's son who see's me as his mommy because I'm the only mommy figure he's ever known even though his Father and I were only together for a short time and broke up five years ago. I have a lot of unresolved guilt and no matter how many times I tell myself and others tell me, I did what was best and right it still doesn't go away. I want to be a mom again I really do I just think it will be very rough for me for a while once I'm ready and I'm not sure how to get ready. I know my FDH will be understanding because well thats just how he is. That's why I'm with him in the first place. I just don't know how to broach the subject but feel I need to before he starts thinking alright things are settling down lets make a baby. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest and stop running through it over and over in my head thanks.