I didn't think I would end up here, and am a little shocked to find myself in this position. I had a miscarriage in April, and after waiting a couple of cycles for my body to get back to "normal" and also to allow myself to heal emotionally, we jumped back into TTC. Well, after only a couple times, my husband decided he no longer wanted to "try" and instead that we should wait for a while. So I was holding out hope that maybe I got lucky during this one month (haha) and of course it ended up being a no go. I took the last negative test this morning confirming the fact that it is, indeed, going to be a while until I have a sibling for my son.
It's shocking because I wanted my kids 2 years apart, and after the miscarriage I came to terms with the idea of having them 3 years apart instead. Now finding out my husband wants to wait a "while" which sounds like a year or two, suddenly my kids are not even going to be in High School together. My hopes are being slashed.
I'm frustrated. I wanted them to be close in age so we could do things that both of them would enjoy. A 5 year old would love Disney World, a 10 year old, not so much. I want to be able to take my son places and not have to worry about a crying baby the whole time because I'm still a "toddler" mom as well. If they were close in age, this would be a non-issue in just a couple years. I wanted to be able to have family game night and play games we could all enjoy. Now either one kid will be too "old" for the game, or the other will be too "young."
And the most frustrating thing about it is that he wants to stop for selfish reasons. He knows he'll have to spend more time with our son because I'm going to be busy with a newborn. He knows he can't spend money on a new computer because we'll be spending money on the baby. We can easily afford another child, but he doesn't want to have to give up his spending habits. He doesn't want to have to go to doctors appointments because he'd rather be on his computer or sleeping. It's just so frustrating because I'm trying to think of the future and what would be easiest for all of us, and all he is thinking about is the nuisance of doctors appointments and spending excess money on the baby. Which, news flash, will happen no matter when we have a baby.
I've just been really cheery this year, holding on through the pain of the miscarriage and the other disappointments we've had recently knowing that soon I'll be pregnant again and everything will turn out well. Now I feel like I have nothing to hold onto and the weight of everything is crushing me. Now I can't stop thinking about the fact that we would be having a baby in only 3 months and now I may not have one for 3 years. I feel crushed, I feel like I've been robbed and lied to. Worst of all, I feel like I have absolutely no control anymore.
Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I imagine some of you have felt similarly before. I don't know how to come to terms with this.