I'm posting this because I want it to help someone else.
5 years and 2 months ago my husband came home and told me that the had something to tell me and that I was going to hate him. The he started shaking and wouldn't say any thing more. What?! I said over and over then I said "did you cheat on me?" I asked and he nodded yes. When? I asked, thinking that it was a fling. Then he started saying "well, two years ago..." I stared to hyperventilate. Two years ago was right before I got pregnant. The reality of what he was telling me made me almost pass out. The affair started right as I became pregnant, continued through my pregnancy and for the first year of dd's life.
All of he lies and he mind-f***s. I had been so upset at what I had perceived as his lack of interest in being a father when dd was 2 months old, his lack of support and the "business trips" that seemed unnecessary but he had made me feel as if I was creating something out of nothing and that I was picking on him so he convinced me that I needed help and I stopped breastfeeding so that I could take medication for "my" problems. But I was right about everything.
In those first few days realizations would come over me like a wave hitting me in the ocean. The "business trip she had to go on when dd was 3 weeks old? A get away with her. When he had to take a call right after we found out we were having a girl? Her. The person that kept calling? And on and on.
Then we went to therapy. I was completely isolated because we had moved for his career and I had to give ip my career and all of my friends were on the opposite coast. I had a 13 month old daughter and was completely dependent on this man. Therapy was just more abuse that I willingly took part in. I went into it with the whole idea that it takes two to make problems in a marriage. Then, the entire focus was on me. He played the victim and they bought it and continued to buy it for the past 5 years.
Since this happened I gained 50 pounds despite constant dieting. 3 endocrinologists have told me that I am having an extreme stress reaction. I am lower than low and he has continues to act like a childish selfish aholl for 5 years. He ALWAYS plays the victim and, I guess, I must have enabled him by staying with him.
I don't know when this idea that the person who is cheated on is as much to blame as then cheater but I finally see it as the same thing as saying that a drunk girl in a short skirt is to be blamed for being raped. It is bs.
I wish I had left him when I learned about the affair. I wish I had taken my dd, moved back to NY city and gotten on with my life. Now dd is attached and has friends here and would be devastated if I moved.
This is my advice: Lying is always part of the affair and I do beleve some affairs are survivable. However, if he made you feel you were crazy, made you feel like you were a bad person, was sorry "but" (my stbx told me he decided to go away with his girlfriend three weeks after dd was born bc I wouldn't give him o-sex in the days after I delivered) HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO THIS TO YOU IN OTHER AREAS OF YOUR LIFE. The torture will continue.
Please, learn from my example. Leave sooner rather than later.