My first marriage was 11 years of roller coaster, love you/hate you, non-stop drama. I was nearly obsessed with my 1st husband and it took me nearly 2 years after leaving him before seeing him evoked no real emotions. The last thing I wanted was to ever lose myself so completely in another human being.
So along comes DH and he's very different from the ex. I was comfortable with him. When he began to get serious I sat down and made a pro and con list. Terribly romantic of me huh? Meanwhile he's telling me how he's waited his entire life to find me. I'm not saying he's perfect, because he does have his faults, but the man does love me deeply. And I feel like a dog because I can't give him that in return.
Whatever happened to me when my first marriage fell apart is not fixed. I feel numb most of the time. If he does something nice, I'm not moved or touched, and if he does something hurtful(which is never on purpose incidentally), I'm not hurt or crushed. I'm indifferent most of the time. I'm just thinking this can't be normal.
If I were a better actress or he weren't so darned perceptive I still might be able to get by, but he knows. He can sense it somehow and it hurts him terribly. I feel awful knowing that I'm hurting him so I lie and say that I do love him, cause the real truth would just end everything. I got married because it was the practical thing to do. My kids needed a good male role model(EX is out of the picture alot), his kids needed a good female role model(his ex is a drunken tramp), and financially we could achieve things together that neither of us could accomplish alone. I also enjoyed his company and we seemed to value similar things in life. From my perspective, the whole not being in love thing was a bonus, not a drawback. People in love do some really strange things, so I decided to think with my head and not my heart. I guess though that by not using my heart for so long, it's atrophied and not all that functional anymore.
Sorry for the ramble, but if anyone can sympathize, offer advice or tell me how cold and callous I am, please feel free to reply.