So, most of you know that we've had a rough start to BF'ing because Evan was in the hospital for the first week. He was able to latch on fairly well, but didn't really have the sucking thing down.

After emailing with a LLL consultant and talking to a few people, we started doing this thing where we'd feed him a bit from a bottle to take the edge off, then try him on the breast for at least 10 minutes (more if he was doing well), and then top him up with the bottle at the end (because he would tire himself out on the breast). That process would work about 2 times a day, but the rest of the time he would just take a bottle.

This process has been incredibly frustrating for me. If I'm not totally stressing out about him feeding (or not feeding) at the breast, then I'm attached to the pump trying to get as much milk out as I can. Because I'm attached to the pump all the time, DH gets to feed him the majority of the time (otherwise I'd be up 24/7 with feeding/changing/pumping/trying to BF) - so I feel like I'm missing out on some serious quality/bonding time with Evan.

I've had multiple break downs over it - over the fact that I can't seem to make progress with BF'ing, or that I'm attached to the pump, or that DH is a WAY better parent than I am and is making a stronger bond with our son.

Now it looks like I have mastitis in my right breast - the breast that produced more milk. Well, now my supply seems to be dwindling and I can't even pump enough for one feed! I just feel like everything is stacking against me when it comes to BF'ing and being able to give my son the nutrition he needs.

All the time in the back of my mind I've been thinking that life would just be easier if we went to formula. I wouldn't be a total stress case like I am now. I wouldn't be having multiple break downs a day. I wouldn't get so frustrated with my 2-week-old baby for not being able to BF properly. But, then the immense guilt comes in. I just can't face the judgement (from myself and others) for "giving up" on BF'ing - something that's supposed to be the most natural thing in the world and what is the BEST thing for baby. There is so much pressure to get BF'ing working. Everytime I even mention having issues, everyone says how it will all be worth it when it starts to work, and there's nothing more wonderful than BF'ing, etc. etc..

Anyway, sorry for the huge vent. I think I just needed to get it out. At this point I'm at my wits end and really don't know what to do. All I keep thinking is that if I don't get BF'ing down (or at least able to give him pumped breast milk), then I am a failure. Kudos to anyone who made it this far!