Here's the situation:
My boyfriend of nearly a year has two sons, ages 15 and 19. His ex-wife lives a few miles away and is supposed to have the younger son 2-3 days a week. Since a few months into our relationship, that has turned into ostensibly spending the whole week with her and the weekend with us. However, she lets him run free. She often doesn't know where he is. We ask more of him (clean up after himself, tell someone where he is going, ask permission to go out with friends, etc.). Sometimes he complies, but he also mouths off to everyone in the house.
We recently confirmed that he's been smoking pot and cigarettes, skipping school, and stealing money when he finds it (we're assuming small amounts right now since we have no evidence otherwise). He was caught at school with a pot pipe and suspended for 10 days. As at-home punishment, he is not allowed to go out by himself, has no computer access, and had his cell phone taken away (so he can't contact his friends). So far, he's run off twice from our house and tried a bunch of other times but his dad intercepted him. He doesn't seem to be trying to run away, just to get away to visit with friends. Last night his dad allowed him an hour with his cell phone as a reward for working on homework. We learned this morning that he used it to tell friends he'd meet them at a local park where they often hang out before school. He lies about all of this shamelessly. He is also surprised and confused that he keeps getting caught because "he's too smart to get caught."
In general, he wants the rights of an adult without the responsibilities, expects me and his dad to give him money because we "earn plenty," and avoids consequences of anything.
Neither of us knows how to deal with this. We're guessing as new problems arise. We don't know if it'll pass quickly or slowly or how bad it will get.
My boyfriend is 50 and I am 26. I have no children of my own. He is at a loss as to how to effectively correct his son's behavior. I don't know how to relate to the kid anymore or how to deal with the situation. My boyfriend has positive memories from when the son was younger. I don't have that to counteract what he's doing now. All I'm left with is a few good vingettes amid a lot of anger for the havoc this kid is causing for everyone around him. He doesn't care how it affects us. He treats his family as if they're worthless, tools to be used to get what he wants. If he valued anything, we'd have leverage, but all he values is his is friends and social life.