The worst thing about this whole process is feeling like it will never end- the sadness, the roller coaster...I'm only 3 months from DDAY, after which there was the whole god awful trickle truth. I think I know everything I am going to know at this point.
I struggle with what to do. All I want is to feel better, for this insanity to diminsh. I know it takes time; I am working so hard to understand the why's & hows. And he's been there, trying to help me & as far as I can tell he's really trying. He went no contact even before I found out the whole truth; he did that because I left him because I was tired of being suspicious. So I only give him partial credit; he realized I was gone from his life because of his lies and he started the path to his own recovery, I guess my leaving was the catalyst. I was so optimistic after I left. I felt strong, I felt I deserved better than living in suspicion. I hate sometimes that I took him back, agreed to go to counseling, only to find out what REALLY happened.
Integrating the truth of what my life really was for 5 years into my beliefs about myself and my relationship has been so difficult. I feel like a fool. Our sex life was great, the best I'd ever had. He always said the same, and still says that...I know he was looking for attention & a thrill & ego boost, not better or more frequent sex...but tell that to my heart. I am glad he had no feelings for these women but in the end, it's all the same. All I can think is that my life was a lie. I was so stupid. Years of this going on! How can I come to terms with that??
I need help, I can't decide what to do. I know his A's were due to his own issues. I know it wasn't me, or even our relationship. It was the stupid hole in his soul that he was trying to fill. He's kind, he's thoughtful, he's affectionate, he helps around the house, he's loving and he's great in bed. If we could just make it through this I might have a great relationship on my hands. I feel like he's trying. But I feel like I can't... I feel like I can never wipe it out of my heart that he slept with someone else, that he lied for all those years.
Right now I want to walk away. But will the pain leave if I do? That's really all I want. For life to go back to normal.