Hi. New to this board. Reading over some of the vents and I can very much relate.
I am going through a stage where I have never felt lonelier in my life. I cry all the time. It's not that I am depressed, necessarily. I have always cried in my life through happy and sad.
I have two wonderful girls, ages 16 and 11. The kind of life that I have now breaks my heart. Their father, whom I am separated from (for about seven years physically) and am now in the process of divorcing, has stopped giving me the child support that we verbally agreed upon. He decided to only send me $300 a month for the last three months and he didn't even send me the payment this month. I am a full-time student and am rushing frantically to get a job.
My sisters and I have been very explosive to each other lately. They are both younger than me. I feel that I have always been very supportive of them, verbally and emotionally. I always compliment them and try to lift them up. One of my sisters has been diagnosed with bipolar about seven years ago. I helped through the ups and downs and took care of her now six-month old twin babies when she needed it. I love her children to pieces.
The problem is that I feel that if I disappeared off the face of the earth today, it would hardly matter. I feel like my heart has been crushed. Friends are really non-existent these days. The friends I managed to make once I came back to New York (we lived in another state for two years) about six years ago have been very fleeting and mostly one-sided. My eleven year old daughter does not have phone calls hounding her. I have always been the one to arrange playdates for her (up to the age of nine years old) and other moms have rarely, if ever, reciprocated. She can spend a weekend at home, and not one friend will call. Also, a person that I thought I made friends with (me with her and my eleven year old daughter and her daughter) and helped out a lot, made plans with me and my daughter and hers this week. She didn't call after I called once and left a message, reminding her about the plans. The day of the plans came and went and about five days have gone by, and I still don't know what happened. Since she has been flaky with me before, I do not plan to get in touch with her.
I am a lovely, caring person. My ex husband treated me badly, did not show me affection or love, even physically, save for a handful of times and to create these children, and now lavishes love on the new woman in his life. I want friends so much, but they end up hurting and pretty much abadoning whatever fledgling friendships I create. I have been told over and over, how lovely I am, how kind I am, how much fun I am. I can't figure out what I am doing wrong. My daughter and I just came back from the hospital (we thought she had an appendicitis scare) after spending the whole day there, and although I can't fault my sisters for not calling, since I didn't inform them of this, it stills hurts when you come home with your eleven year old and no one is calling to wish her well. Again, no one really knows, but there is a general feeling of this.
I have so much love in me, and I am very heartbroken right now. I am a person who loves life and people and culture, but have been hurt so many times. How can I change this and why might this be happening? The one good thing about this is that my poetry writing is in full flux now. But again, why and how?