It's been 4 months since I found out about the A and about 7 months since the A ended. I swear I feel more crazy now than I did when I suspected and then actually found out. I feel like I am constantly replaying every fight we had when he was cheating on me and I didn't know. I replay all of it, over and over. I lie to myself so much, I don't hardly know what to believe anymore. My friends say " oh honey, you're fine, you're lucky... Your husband is a doctor, you have the perfect life... And you'll always be number one"... I mean really? I'll always be number one?! How about I better be the ONLY one! Awww I just want to scream!!!!
So I had gotten a job. My H didn't like it. He started his new job which takes him out of town 3-4 days a
week. He wanted me to be free to travel with him, etc.
So I, against my better judgement, quit my job. My H
finally started counseling about 3 weeks ago. He was
honest (as far as I could tell) with the psych. And
after his first session said they discussed his poor
boundaries, etc. While I was "glad" he finally made
the grand freaking gesture in bettering himself, thus
our marriage, it almost makes me feel even more angry because I'm so pissed that he has to go to begin with! Hence the CRAZY, I feel! He said the doc wants me to come with him soon to give him more information on my husband... Gladly!!! But now my H is all "I'm trying and blah blah blah"... Excuse me but two appointments after 4 months doesn't quite make the "I'm trying" so shut the hell up, cut! My best friend came to town about 2 weeks ago and her and I went out for about 3 hours one night. He was extremely mad, even though I spent my night texting him the whole freaking time, because he had to make sure I knew exactly how upset he was. That is the first time in over a year that I've ever gone out without him, because I'm not allowed. As soon as my best friend left town, he typed up a long letter telling me how terrible I was for going out that night and how it didn't matter that nothing happened and I was home at a reasonable time and how could I do something like that (go out with my best friend(since 8 yrs old- I'm now 31) if I knew it was "bad" for us... and he's afraid if it happens again- he's afraid of what he'll do and actually said if I say anything in response to the letter other than "I'm sorry"- it will be a huge problem and he's afraid of what will happen. Oh and he handed me the typed letter and stood and watched me read it! As I was reading it, tears just poured out of my eyes. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I am in every way being punished for his mistakes. I was so upset because of the whole thing, but also because a week before she got here, I found out he was doing steroids again which he knows is a deal breaker. So on top of not doing anything as far as counseling to fix our marriage, he so boldly shows me that I really don't matter- my feelings don't matter, I just flat out do not count and can not trust him! He told me he didn't talk to me about it because my attitude towards steroids sucks! So even though he damn well knows how I feel about it and it would be bad for us, he continues to shoot up- but tries his hardest to make me feel guilty for going out with my girl friend that I see 5 days out of the year. Then about a week ago I said I felt it was time we have a joint checking/saving account so we both know what's coming in and what's going out. Because as it stands I don't know what he makes exactly or what our bills are each month. He transfers money to my account and that's all I get. I saw a text message the other day that he was giving a guy $460 for "supplements".... I couldn't tell you the last time I even spent $20 on myself. He never told me he was spending $460... Ever. I know he makes right at 30k a month and we don't have anything to show for it... NOTHING! We live pay check to pay check and he only gives me about $800 to a thousand each month. That money gets spent on groceries, gas, school lunch for kids, and anything the boys may need. Any how, his response to me saying that was "I don't trust how you spend money". What a freaking slap in the face that was! He told me I spent $800 in two weeks and that was terrible. That is a lot of money, but take $347 of it and give to the dentist for the kids, the gas it took me to drive the 2 hours(I have an SUV) to and from his job because he demanded I come stay the
night with him, the gas taking 4 out of 5 kids to and from school each day, to and from football practice, groceries, etc and that really doesn't leave any extra money. He told me he only had $1500.00 in his account and hadn't paid our house payment which was due on the first... And this was on the 11th. I know for certain his paycheck was for 15k. We literally have nothing to show for it and I have no idea where it's going. That fight lasted about 3 days and ended with him slamming my laptop shut on my fingers and telling me how useless and worthless I am and that I need to get a job. so I have been on 3 interviews and I'm sure I'll have a job by next week! Btw I'm still not on the account! So embarrassing. Well during that fight he apparently filled out insurance policy at work, for healthcare benefits. He did not include myself or my two children. Only him and his 3. I found out today! I am totally furious and feel I have every reason to be and yet I'm just a b!t@h and look for things to fight about. I mean I do not understand!! He doesn't think he's wrong, he doesn't think he controls me, he doesn't think I contribute to our marriage... It's so ridiculous!!!! If one of my friends told me all of this about their relationship I would question their mental state! I do not know why I stay. I know as long as I submit to him, he's going to keep on doing this. Its hard for me to accept that he really does not care about me or my feelings. I feel as if I'm just a possession to him. I know I sound like a broken record, but I really don't know what to do... Or if I have the courage to actually do it!
Advice would be greatly appreciated!