Oh I remember very much how that thread ended Clarity - it ended with you coming to a conclusion that made me sob and sob! Okay, maybe I'm being dramatic - but it did make me throw my napkin at the screen!
You said that you were going with the majority (on that thread) that one must plead to the AP's selfishness in order for them to get out of the affair. NO, NO, NO!!!
Selfishness is what got them involved in an affair to start with! What we must plead to is all the innocent people that could be affected/are being affected by the affair.
People in affairs (at least the decent ones) do their best to NOT think about the innocent or unknowing victims because they know that will take away from their A high that they so desperately feel they need. So, when we try to sway them away from the affair because of all the harm the AP and A is causing them (rejection, invalidation, self esteem destruction, heartache - etc) - we are only prolonging the bad behavior.
If we only think about ourselves and the hurt it is causing us - then how can we avoid another affair? Won't we just find another AP who we think won't hurt us. Or who we think we may not get so emotionally attached to? Or who may not reject us, or who may rescue us, or whatever you can insert here that fits your situation?
Ending affair behavior for good means we need to focus on everyone else - because that is the one thing we were NOT doing while engaging in order to avoid feeling the guilt. That's what needs to be focused on - the guilt.
Now, if you're a person that didn't feel guilt, then this approach would be a waste of time as your issues would be beyond these boards.
PS - I don't consider this a hijack because this thread was about the vets and Clarity is probably the vettiest-vets here (no offense - just saying...) and so this is really her thread to discuss whatever she wants.
PSS - No short term memory Clarity?? Hmmm, wonder why that is..... I KNEW IT!!! I like it.
See, I don't remember it like that. Because I thought I decided I was okay if someone wanted to call my taking in foster kids non-selfless act....I didn't much care of it being called a selfish act.because at the time, I never gave thought to how it would make me feel...which looking back it did make me feel good...and for various reasons. And then someone insisted that my need to argue it was proving somethingorother...when I was just debating the issue...it got a bit confusing for me. Right now, I guess all I can remember is how the debate over me and my story..and not the entire debate panned out. See...it's always about me
To address your other comment about how I went with the majority, I'm heading over now to check that out. I generally do not acquiesce to the majority just because they are the majority. What I vaguely do remember is that I might have gone with the majority as far as using a different approach in getting people to stop...less using of the 'look at the selfish aspect of ones behavior' vs. 'look at how much better you will feel living honestly and with intergrity' because most felt that spoke to people better.
brb...unless dinner interrupts me