Today I am just so angry. I do not know why I have so much anger and hate and jealousy towards people with children and pregnant people. It is not their fault I can' get pregnant but still I hate that they are able to get pregnant and I can't especially real young girls, like 14 and 15.
I always thought that when you are young it is easier to become pregnant that when you get older. I do not have any history of infertility in my family so I am shocked as to why I have it. It seems like most of the people that I have told I wanted a baby to now have children and they did not even want them, but still got them. It is everywhere and in order to avoid it I have to just stay in the house.
Even when watching TV, I mute the TV and close my eyes when the pregnancy test commercials come on, or the adoption commercials come on. I hate people keep telling me it will happen when you least expect it.
I seem to keep blaming myself for this because when I was younger I always said that I never wanted to have children and now I feel as though I cursed myself in a way. I really do not know what to do and no one seems to understand or support me emotionally, not even my boyfriend. He tries to support me, but he just does not understand because he already has a child. He keeps sending me mixed signals as whether or no we are on the same page on this. I just think he does not not care because he has one already, so if he cannot have another its like whatever because at least he has one child. I even envy him sometimes.
I seem to now dream of what it would feel like to have a baby and become a mother. My only coping method so far is writing. I am writing a book and hopefully it can help me express my feelings better vs. keeping them bald up like I do most of the time.