I hate this bipolar stupid f*ing brain.
I guess I am going back to therapy(and I HATE therapist shopping). Althought there is nothing really WRONG in my life there isn't a whole lot that is GOOD. Or at least I am just not able to see it. I am not generally a negative person but other than my kids (3 out of 4, at least) I just can not find any Joy, Happiness, Positive...
Sometimes I can find things to laugh about and have momentary bright spots but they are so far and few between.
The medication that I am supposed to be taking make mornings a nightmare and leave me zombie like. No singing, no jokes, no flirtations. So back I go to try yet another string of meds to find something that works and lets me be ME. It is just getting worse the older I get, why is that?
I have to do something. I go to work (some happiness there) and then I come home. I have no joy in cooking, gardening, reading, meeting up with friends....I just want to close the doorsand curtains, pour a stiff drink and hide out.
I can force myself to do most of the things that I MUST DO- Saturday my youngest dd and I went to see Beauty and the Beast (touring musical) It was so good, we had a great time together and went to dinner with my middle dd and granddaughter. We actually saw some extended family while at dinner and my cousin was showing me the pics of my nana and other great uncles in these HS sports pics all over the wall. It was kinda neat.
Until I got home. I just shut down again and it felt like it was just emotional overload. Or something. I just don't know.
I need a change, I need to find my happiness and some inner peace. I need to get over the past number of years of singledom and finally forgive myself for blowing up our lives. I need to move toward repairing relationships, finding a man of my own, just finding that spark in ME.
Why don't I care about most anything? I really thought that after being in relationships since I was 15, that these past 6yrs would have been a good thing. I just feel alone. And lonely. And depressed. And sad. And scared...
Sorry for the rambing on...I just don't want to talk to people IRL. I don't want people to know that I am falling apart, that I am not who they think I am, that the person in public is only who I want to be not that lonely, heartbroken and aimless woman who doesn't know how to pull herself up by the bootstraps and get back to being herself.