It's been a long time since I've posted. But I find myself struggling with an emotional tuggle that I can't seem to shake. This board was a life saver for me and once again I need a little hand holding.
XAP and I haven't seen each other in years. We were mostly NC until last month. For the past few years, I bet we had maybe 3-5 emails. Nothing more than Happy Holidays or a Happy Birthday, hope you are doing fine. Neither of us wanted to resume the affair that lasted over 6yrs. Last month I met him for brunch. We live very far apart, but he was in town to attend a funeral. I thought I could see him and be ok. I'm not. Even though we were together (in a public restaurant) for about 2 1/2 hrs., all the feelings and emotions came rushing back. I never expected that - I thought I was immune because I had long ago pushed him out of my daily thoughts. The affair and XAP were in a box -all tied up with a bow and stored away - or so I thought. A few days after our brunch, I got very ill and had to rush to the emergency room. While in the ER, my husband seemed bothered that he had to be there in the middle of the night. He half way tried to comfort me but his efforts were noticeably strained. He left to get some fresh air. I lost it and cried realizing XAP would be by my side, holding my hand and doing anything he could to comfort me. I tried not to think that but the feeling wouldn't go away. I felt so lonely in the hospital and even a few days later. (I was fine, just a bad stomach bug) I could not shake the feeling that XAP would hold me, take care of me and be supportive. My husband is a man who says suck it up instead of what can I do to help. I know I have to let this go but I'm struggling. I know I shouldn't allow the thoughts of AXP to invade my life again, but they are there. I have not spoken to or emailed XAP after our brunch, so he doesn't know all this happened nor will I tell him. I won't go there, I know that would be opening the door further and I don't want to feed his ego, haha. Soooo, how do I get past this? It just won't leave me and I find my thoughts wandering back to XAP. But I really don't want to go backwards !