Are you there courage? It's me, Elizabeth...
Once I was the girl who threw caution to the wind, enjoyed the unexpected blessings in life, had faith and most importantly had courage.
I always thought the sun would shine on our lives...and it did...until January 1, 2012.
When Corinne passed away, I felt a horrible, crushing, inconsolable pain that didn't seem to relent and quite frankly I know I have to live with that pain forever. I was hopeless, sad, confused, angry, and felt my courage fleeting from me. I started to feel like a dog with its tail between its leg. I wanted to have confidence, to be carefree again, but I simply didn't want to set myself up for heartbreak again.
I really didn't have to look too far to see the silver lining in this tremendous storm cloud. My living daughter, 2.5 at the time of our angel's passing, has become a channeling spirit. When we arrived home from the hospital on the night we received the terrible news and Claire could see we were distraught. In her matter-of-fact angelic voice she looked at me and said "don't worry mama. Baby sister is a star in the sky watching over us." This sent chills down my spine, tears down my face, and increased my profound love for her even more. How did she know? Is Corinne speaking through our girl? And the answer was always clear...yes.
The week leading to Corinne's passing was a flurry of after Christmas duties: sorting the gifts, cleaning the house, taking down decorations, planning for New Year's celebrations, etc. A couple of different instances made me sad (not related to the baby yet) and Claire looked at me through those times and kept repeating "mama so perfect". How sweet, what an angel is what I thought. She kept saying that phrase throughout that week. I found it both comforting and peculiar: why is she saying this now? And the answer was always clear...she was preparing me. My Corinne knew how I was going to take the news of her passing and know the crushing guilt I would feel. She wanted me to know I was perfect. Simply incredible.
Since those first dark months have passed, Claire continues to remind me of our angel's presence whenever I seem to need it. It creeps in at unexpected times and plants in my heart a new reason for loving both of my girls. It usually happens in the still of the night, before bed time. She tells me how baby sister is a star, she wants to be a star, and that we will all be stars soon. Or, she will tell me "baby sister is present with you". Whenever I feel defeated, Claire comes through and lets me know all is not lost and Corinne is happy. She tells me "we all have choices mama and we can choose Corinne". Her thoughts are pretty profound and deep for a three year old and I just soak them up one by one.
Our angels are with us- that is clear. We all know that. When we open our heart and listen for them, they are there for us. Encouraging, helping, holding and telling us: mama find courage, mama you can do this.
So here I sit. Nine months later feeling like life has come full circle and I contemplate my future. I want a sibling for Claire and Corinne this I know. But, I still tremble when I hear that voice that says mama you can do this. I'm still looking for that final act of courage to take the plunge.
I wish you all courage on this journey- we can search for it together.
May you find the blessings in all of your children whether they walk or soar.