Long story-short, my spouse had a full-on affair in 2008 with her high school boyfriend. When I found about it, it was in a dormant period and was about to flair up again. I was devistated. We went through all the typical stages of hysterical bonding, trickle truth, the 180, counciling, reading every book I could get my hands on. I thought that I had done a good job of forgiving, faceing the pain, all that. After two years, I was ready to really move on.
Early on in all this, DW and I asked a favor from one of my spouses mutual friends whom she shared with the OM and asked her to take two letters to the OM, one from each of us, inviting him to move on and letting him know that we were working things out together. Initially, I thought this had worked out ok. Except that the mutual friend, who was going through a divorce at the time, ended up dating the OM who, in a really awful way that I am not going to fully detail here, cheated on her, and then dumped her via a text message (seriously!). Within a few days of the text to our friend, OM married [yes married] the girl he was cheating with. Really freaking tangled. I know. I left out a lot of details, but I think you get the general picture.
The dude is a walking disaster!
My spouse said that because the OM screwed over her friend, and that he was now in a marriage, it was easy for her to move on. She realized that he was sort of a jerk, that he played her and others, and after all else is said, he was building his relationship with someone else, not her. It was easy for her to try and move on and not to think of him.
So, early this summer, my spouse and I went to her small home town and we double dated with one of the old friends from high school. We had a very nice evening, dinner and a movie, good conversation, good folks. It was nice. Then some weeks ago, a picture posted on this friends facebook showed them on a double date with the OM and some new girl. Initially I just shrugged, but after a week or so, my spouse and I had a heart to heart and she said that she had found it easier not to think of him when he was married, but now that she knows he is divorced again, she is finding it hard not to wonder how he is. She asked me if I wanted to see the photo. I said "no," I'm done with self torture. And I havent.
But, In a weak moment I looked up the state's open divorce records and found that the women was the one who filed for divorce from the OM in January. That old voice I know that talks in the back of my head is saying "punish." It is really barking at me right now. Hence my return to the boards. I thought about it and it might be really easy for me to find this new woman OM is dating and send her a note letting her know what the dude is all about. But, I would look bad and it could blow up in my face. I could send her an anonymous letter but he would know who wrote it and that could blow up in my face.
I know, I know.
Time to walk away. The best revenge is simply living a happy life, and my life is sort of good right now. Maybe I should just try and reason with my spouse that the other man is lost and a jerk, and she can't ever help him again. I guess that I thought that if I forgave both of them and if my spouse and the OM both behaved well, that we could normalize something somehow. I think that isn't possible.
Anyway, just writing it down helps.