I have a 13 year old daughter. Her father and I are divorced and I have remarried (her father has not and has physical custody). About 4 years ago she was diagnosed with ADHD and was prescribed medication. which made her defiance manageable. Also about 4 years ago I adopted another child with my husband and the acting out started. She is constantly lying to her father and me and has caused major legal problems for me (my ex has taken me to court to adjust my parenting time due to a lie), He refuses to talk to me about anything. As a result when I have my daughter, my husband cannot be left alone with her, due to punishments that my ex felt were too harsh (but I was punished the same way as a kid , if not harsher). She has almost no discipline at her fathers. She recently had to start doing chores while she is in my care. We (I) have to stay on her to get them done. Cleaning the bathroom takes all day!!!!! It is a 5 x 4 room with a bathtub, sink, and toilet, she took 6 hrs to clean the tub, toilet and sink.
It has also gotten to the point to where when she is in slow motion (my husband) tells her she cannot eat until it is done. Today she did not get up until 11:30 (she was told at 9:30 and 10 to get up). Refused to eat! Then was told to clean the bathroom. At 1:30 pm asked to eat and I told her we were going to eat out ( I hadn't eaten and thought that was the plan). 4 hrs later we get home after "grazing" at Sam's club (gotta love free samples) and shopping she was told she had 15 min to complete the room. ( that was at 5:45) at 7 she said she was done but it was time for her to go back to her dad. I still hadn't eaten (b/c she hadn't either other than the samples. What I had; she had). She tells her father that she was cleaning my house all day and not allowed to eat. Which I told him she had 1 chore a day when she is there before and that was ALL she did.
I don't know how to handle her anymore. I have 2 other children who are picking up her defiant behavior (4 and 1) and I know toddlers go through this stage and also teenagers go through it also. But it seems like her father tells her that she doesn't have to do anything or listen to me or her step-father. I am at my wits end and i am trying my best to handle her. It seems like she will tell her father anything and I am the bad guy in everything. I know that my discipline is harsher than his and that I have rules she has to follow but there is never any abuse and I always allow her some leeway but I cannot stand the stress between my husband and her.
It seems like we have 1 good weekend and then everything goes to crap b/c she starts to backtalk and get smart with my husband. A lot of this is my husband and when I do stick up for her I get the backlash (I am afraid of my husband's rage although I know he would never hit me, I am still afraid)
What can I do? How do I handle her outbursts? I cannot give up on her but my husband does NOT want her around due to her outbursts of defiance and his answering rage. I need advice and not criticism please. Other sites that is all I got.