My stepdad called me on Tuesday just oozing sweetness at the beginning of our conversation. He wants me to put my boundary of distance from my mom aside. He told me that he feels that not speaking to her is doing more damage than good because she is so depressed about her "little relapse" as he called it. Is there such a thing as just a "little relapse"? Not in my mom's case. He told me that my not speaking to her has now become a trigger for her drinking. He also said that my not talking to her is making his life harder. I told him I did not want to be an enabler any longer and that this latest relapse was the last straw for me.
Fast forward to today and he calls to see if I have given thought to helping him by letting her back in my life. I told him that for today I was not ready to back down from my decision. He started in on the usual guilt trips "this is your mom we are talking about", "I guess I will just take care of it myself"....The trouble is that I now realize that we, the family, can't take care of it. The addict has to do it. I tried to tell him that until she wanted to take care of herself there truly was nothing we can do to get her sober. He does not want to believe this. I also came to the conclusion that there are different types of addicts. There are addicts like my little brother who is a meth addict that are volatile and abusive. His addiction slaps you in the face and inspires immediate hurt and anger. Then there are some like my mom who drink and drug in silence. Because she doesn't behave like a jerk she creates feelings of pity and tolerance in others. But no matter what type of behavior the addict behaves with, in the end they both inflict hurt and pain for those around them. I told him that just like I had cut off my brother from my life that I had to do the same with my mom. I figured he would understand this logic because he too has cut my brother off, but it went totally over his head. He told me that he hoped that I could live with the consequences of my decision and hung up. Wow.
It makes me sad and proud, Sad because things have come to this. Proud because this girl did not book a guilt trip.