I woke up last night to my son crying for chocolate milk. As always I laid there for a little while seeing if Jake was going to get it. But we always argue about who got it last, who gets it more, etc etc. Can we be anymore pathetic.
I had to use the bathroom and his ipad was downstairs so I grabbed his Ipad and went to the bathroom. I looked in his history, curious. I found porn. Raunchy – MILF porn.
I felt about the size of an ant. Why is my husband looking at porn? Already self conscience about our sex life. Already self conscience because I know he doesn’t want to be with me – then I find several pages of porn.
The next morning I ask him about it – he has his Iphone in his hand and he was texting his friend Will about a golf game he was playing the next day. I had to ask him – well tell him several times to get off the phone and look at me. He looked at me for a split second. He told me that he didnt remember the porn. Every question I asked him about it he said I dont know. He was diminishing how I felt – and making me feel like I wanted to crawl inside a hole and suffocate.
My son was upstairs in the bath so I went downstairs to talk about it. I told Jake that it was a sin and he said ‘oh are you a great Christian, you dont sin.’ I told him that I didn’t understand why he was watching porn when he has a wife he can have sex with and he goes ‘oh yeah when is the last time we’ve had sex’ and I said three weeks ago because I had a DNC three weeks ago and the surgeon said no intercourse till my follow on Monday. This argument and me being upset about porn – he said F U to me about 6x and I told him to stop and he kept saying it. He then tried to bring up me flirting with other guys which is so ridiculous. We have this mutual friend Tommy Shaw – who when Jake and I were semi serious – one time Tommy & I sent text messages flirting. Tommy has been in a relationship for over three years and I was with Jake. Jake and I werent even living together and barely talking serious. Jake said that porn was better flirting. He then brought up a fling of mine from 2005 – so seven years ago – who is a good friend of mine – who text me this past spring and that I havent heard from since May of 2012 – its not September. I get s frustrated when he does this. When he does something wrong he always brings up what someone else has done wrong and or says that I never think I do anything wrong with isnt true. I have no problem saying that flirting with Tommy is wrong. But that has nothing to do with what the issue is here and now. It makes me feel suffocated and not able to breathe. I really dont know what to do. If I wasnt a mother – I know I would do something drastic. I just dont know how to fix my marriage.