It has been two weeks since I broke things off with him. Of course I've been suffering, trying to fill up my time now that it's not all-consumed with him or thoughts of him.

I read a lot from women who were broken up with, but he was very undermining, argumentative, lacked enthusiasm for me, what I said, questioned my decisions (for my own life), gave me a hard time about my memories (he always found faul), etc. So he forced my decision, or I would have died. Even if my body would have continued to exist (and it has been the sickest year of my life) my person was dying a little each day.

A good friend also has decided not to call me anymore, so I am dealing with two losses.

My next move is to start taking ballroom dancing lessons on Tuesday nights for only $10. I remembered that I loved to read Amish romance novels, so I'm going to the library. I want to volunteer (finally) at a local soup kitchen. Maybe even be brave and finally take that painting class. It all sounds like a lot of work, but I feel I need to force myself into it.

My family lives 1200 miles away, but I'm not wanting to make that move. My son is in his 20's, and is still at home, but has his own life.

I guess I'm just venting and realizing that it is going to be painful. Some advice was to write each day for at least 15 minutes about the loss. Another was to get rid of all of his things (I'll put them in a box for now, then into the attic).

It's the loss of a dream, despite the abuse. He was very handsome, althletic. He seemed so charming. He was "on" for everyone else. There is no talking with him, because he never "got" me.

I try to think that I am doing this in an effort to 1. be me again, because I felt drained around him and 2. to be available when my real partner and soul mate appears.

If you watch "Say Yes to the Dress" you will notice that when the women talk about their beloved, it's with words like "he's my best friend" or "I feel so peaceful with him." That's what I am looking for. I haven't waited all of these years to settle!

thanks for letting me vent. I would welcome your comments!