Hello

no idea where to start without worrying about being judged.

So here it goes.  I have been with my husband for 18 years.  Well, technically he was my ex.  We were divorced in 2005  because a year after we were married, he went nutso.  Diagnosed as bipolar.  It has been an insane time, but we had our son who just turned 2.  For that, I am forever thankful.  My ex died (suicide) 2 months ago. 

When I was pregnant, I started having dreams about contacting my high school boyfriend.  I could never get through, phone was broken, facebook wouldn't find him (even though w are friends on facebook), or I wouldn't have a dial tone.  I have no idea what the message was though.  I never told anyone about these dreams. 

Anywhoo, I reached out to him on facebook a few days ago.  He got back to me and we have been sharing memories.  His wife died 8 years ago.  He has been living with his current girlfriend for 4 years (he thinks).  But he said that they aren't getting along as well as he would like. 

And yes, my husband died 2 months ago, but I really "lost" him many years ago when he was diagnosed.  He was never the man I married.  We were divorced because he wouldn't take his meds or be proactive about his illness.  We got back together because I still loved him and I wouldn't want someone to leave me just because I was sick.  I really did love him, I just didn't like his illness.  But I stayed.

Well now I am seeing all of these coincidences.  And I know, anyone can find coincedences when they are looking for them. 

why did both of our  loves die?

when I bought our house, the neighbors have the same last name as the high school boyfriend

his current girlfriends name is the name I had picked out for a girl if we had had a girl

Now that I am typing it out, it sounds silly, but were we meant to be together?  I can't even remember why we broke up. 

How do people know?  And why is my brain convincing me that he is the one for me?  why even return to an old love.  But I am seriously wanting to hook up with him.  And we haven't spoken in 18 years.  Except for this last week. Why am I convincing myself that he is the one I am supposed to be with?? 

HELP!