Hey ladies and gents... just popping in to say hello and I tried to re-cap on all I have missed. Well for one.. CONGRATS CLARITY on being our new community leader. Always had a quiet thought about that.. knew you would be perfect for the position. Thank you!!!!
Im in NC still. Well I had to restart the ticker a few times as I was trying to feed my ego all the while I was starving my sould. (READ THAT SOMEWHERE BTW) I now say it to myself each and everytime I want to seek out his validation or whatever it is I am seeking. Anyhow, I went to my first therapy session last week and it was a short visit. He asked me all the major areas in my life I was having a hard time with.. all of a sudden my mind just went blank LOL. But he asked the right questions and agreed I have too much on my plate. He did prescribe me an anit-depressent but I am still iffy about that. But the funny thing is I walked away feeling a little bit better knowing that he agreed and it was almost normal to have a breakdown under my circumstances. I have years of damage to fix. Its a whole lot to do in a single session. But I will be going back again for sure.
Thing is.. and I was thinking about this before I came here to post.. I did go NC for 7-8 months. But I went about it all wrong. I just did the physical work. WALK AND BLOCK. It has been said here time and time again. That working fromt he inside out in that time is CRUCIAL> I just stayed in bed and would sleep so I wouldnt have to deal with any of my feelings or thoughts. That is not healing. I have been doing better and I really am trying to tell myself that my ego needs to take a hike. I need to feed my soul! Ok the actual saying I read is Starve the Ego Feed the Soul. So true in so many ways. It is my ego that refused to let go and it is my soul that was dying to let it go!!! Quite the battle I have here!
At the end of the day I need to feel happy with or without a man in my life. I want to have my own world before I share it with someone. I really hated putting myself in a postion where my XAP would just ignore me over and over and over. I lost my mind over it. Really that "it doesn't matter" thing we talk about.. is soooooo true! It really doesn't. But heck. It was all false from the start to the end. I dont need that in my life!
Im in a weird spot right now. I am still picking up all the pieces but I feel stronger and I am really having good self talks with myself when I find negativity come in. A thought is so powerful..!
Anyway, Hello and I will I will come around more. Been in a really bad spot where even getting my thoughts out here was exhausting.