I am so afraid of change.... but like DH keeps saying, "if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got". This is so true and I know it. I see it and have seen it. I know I need to make changes of my own but I don't know how. Either I don't know how or I just haven't accepted that my fear is blocking me. Either way, things are at a cross roads in my house and I am very depressed and want to fix it.
Tears - I have spent the last month crying and arguing with DH about my lack of control with my kids. It sounds extreme but this is 8 years of build up. DH10 has social/emotional problems and I have been advocating for him for the full 8 years. During the first half I fought an uphill battle against ex-H and DH since neither one agreed there was a problem. But I knew it and kept at it. Eventually they got it. DH has changed his tune and attitude over the last few years. However I have burnt out. Like DH keeps saying to me, why is it that if I know DS10 has problems and needs extra help/attention/guidance, why don't I give it to him? I really think I'm burned out. I'm exhausted, frustrated and even have my own (I HATE to admit this but I'm being honest here) I even have resentment towards him. Why is it that I can treat DS5 the same way and get results? DS10 is such an exhausting child. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly but I am so tired and worn out.
Begging - DH was begging me last night to work with him, to be on his team. I agree with him on how to do things, I say I want the same things, I say I would like to go the same places (goals) as him, etc but I do NOTHING to act on it. Sometimes I do make some changes, but they only last a week or so, maybe a month if I'm lucky. Then I fall back into old routines since it's easier, since I'm tired, if I'm feeling depressed or don't "have time". I don't know how to get out of my own way. I really really REALLY want to make these changes but historically always fail. It's almost as if I don't think it's worth it since "I'll fail anyway".
Ultimatums - My heart is crushed but maybe this is the motivation I need. I am very disappointed in myself that it's had to get this far. DH is sick of hearing me say I'm gonna do these things but never do. Actions speak louder than words and it's time to act. He said to me that if I am not stepping up and parenting with him by the first of the year he is going to leave me. He says he doesn't want to, that he'll regret every single second of making that decision but he can't keep coming home to the chaos that is happening here, a lot of it I contribute to.
Two weeks ago he called out of work "sick" for a whole week. This was for his mental health as he has been so stressed about our family life. This isn't the family life he had envisioned (nor is it mine). Since he is self employed that was a whole week of pay that he missed out on. As a result, we are struggling more this month financially (obviously). He is a carpenter and when we first got together he did side work on the weekends. He prided himself in being able to work hard for a short period of time to be able to get a decent paycheck to help us out of some kind of rut. Those days were great. About 5 years ago he stopped pulling in side work because I was so stressed and frazzled with DS10's behavior issues. He started staying home on weekends as his presence helped keep DS10 calm (we don't hit our kids but DH is a big man with a deep voice that can be intimidating to a child). Over the years DH has passed up many opportunities for work (and we need the money) because he didn't want to leave me alone with DS10. (Keep in mind I was also being hit and choked by DS10 in his younger years so I also have been scared of the "what ifs" even though he hasn't done that in 4 years.) The "slap in the face" for DH was two weeks ago when I went in to work on a Saturday for a few hours and he stayed home with the boys. He could have done a side job in the same amount of time and pulled in twice as much as me. But instead he was home with them. No wonder the resentment....
DH was begging me to make these changes. They are simple little changes and this is all something that can realistically be done. Why is it that I have never been able to change on my own? Why is it that DS10 hasn't been motivation enough for me to change? Why haven't I been motivated by seeing things in my family are not how I want them to be? Why is it that the only motivation to get me off my a$s is an ultimatum from my husband saying how alone he feels, that he wants us to be a team and if I don't step up to the plate he's going to leave?