So, after innocently seeing a text from AW on my H's phone (son showed it to me b/c it came up while he was playing on his phone), I got very suspicious. My H denied anything was going on - although he did say this much younger female coworker did send a too "cutesy" texts and he knew I would be upset, etc. He swore they were just friends saying things like - our relationship is just friends, nothing more - she isn't attractive - I am like the Dad of the office (he is in a senior role at a very young company) - etc. I had always had a strange feeling about this woman, women's intuition is usually 100% correct - so I kept asking him about it all weekend. Finally, on Sunday - our anniversary no less - I walked into his home office and saw his email was left open. Since we were supposed to go out that night to celebrate, I wanted to put my fears to rest and figured I had probable cause to look at this email (which I feel terrible about because I have never done that).
Unfortunately, I found an email string between them confirming my worst fears. When I confronted him, he admitted they had gotten too close, had a kiss on a business trip and then spent about 4 weeks meeting for coffee and drinks talking about the kiss, spending time together, etc. He swears nothing physical happened and the email I found does somewhat confirm that fact. The hardest part for me has been trying to get over what the email actually said which was that they were thinking about going away on an overnight trip a few weeks ago when I was out of town. She was actually the one who said she would feel too guilty because of me and our family. That really made me so mad that this 20 something year old twit had better sense than my 45 year old husband.
He has taken full responsibility. Been begging, crying, apologizing, etc. He says it was a silly game and nothing more. He has taken 100% ownership, knows it was completely wrong and hurtful. Although I would say our marriage was OK - we were not as close as I would have liked. Our physical relationship was and has always been very strong but emotionally, we are not that close as of late. We were in counseling a few years ago but stopped going because I felt it was a waste of time since my H wouldn't ever follow through on the things the counselor told us to do. My husband has anxiety and panic attack issues and in order to keep things in control, he is one of those people who never sits still, is always working, never content, etc. Not making excuses at all. In my mind he crossed a line - but that explains some of the issues we have in our marriage.
I just don't know what to do. Can I forgive him? Can I ever trust him again? Can life be the same (he says it will be better because he is 100% focused on our marriage and making it better)? Does the pain ever lesson? I have lost 5 pounds in 4 days and am living on coffee and wine. I can't keep any food down and honestly feel like I am losing my mind a little.
Any advice, thoughts, etc would be appreciated.