I've been m.i.a. for the last few weeks while I try to sort things out. I'm still struggling with bieng firm and consistent, however I know how important it is for my family and I'm trying very hard. There is definitely a wedge between my husband and I which has me depressed. He is still holding firm that I "step it up" and "be a parent". As a result of how things have been the last month or so, I am very confused. I catch myself second and third guessing everything I do. But I'm not stopping! I'm TRYING...
For example, last weekend was pretty embarassing. It was the simplest of situations yet I was so caught up in not wanting to "do it wrong" I didn't know what to do! I was helping DH fix a light on our trailer and was holding wires and tools for him. DS5 was playing nearby and slipped around back of the house just out of eye sight. (Had I been alone I'm sure things would have been different.) Immediately both DH and I called to him to come right back where we could see him. When he didn't respond immediately, DH got irritated and asked why I didn't drop what I was holding and go get him? Instead I was standing there dumbfounded not knowing if I should drop the tools and run to him or ask if I was doing it right first, you know? I went to get him (he was about 10 feet away playing) and took him by the hand to DH. It was as if I wanted reassurance that I was doing it right and what to do next. DH and I both spoke to DS5 about the importance of coming when called and then I brought DS5 inside. DH followed a few minutes later and proceeded to drill me on why I couldn't do that myself? Why don't I have the forseight to think and plan out my actions? Well.... of course I can't lately! I've practically turned myself upside down and inside out to try and "retrain" myself and my way way of parenting!
Speaking of upside down and inside out.... to add more stress and strain to my whole family dynamic, I was in the ER Wednesday morning with Vertigo. DS10 found me in the bathroom and got DH to wake up to help me. All three guys were great helping me out and it was good to see all four of us work as a family/team again. Then the stressors kicked in. Now I need help getting the boys to school in the morning cuz I can't drive. It's been even MORE of a struggle to be consistent, present and firm since I can't see/walk straight. I also get so exhausted quickly.
I did have an issue with DS10 the other day getting mouthy with an attitude which I'm sure was a mix of being tired from the ER trip and stress of what's going on. I felt confident in my ability to stop that. I was holding myself up on the table and told him that if he didn't stop mouthing off he wouldn't be able to use the computer that morning which is what he wanted. Conveniently I was able to stand by what I said as there wasn't much time. However, it worked and he stopped.
DS5 has been very smart mouthed with a sassy attitude and I'm having trouble with him. He is the kind of kid that runs or gets limp if you try to pick him up. So being dizzy I am nervous about standing my ground with him. But I know I need to and being sick is no excuse. When I tell him I'm going to take something away he says "go ahead" or "you can't get me... nah-nah-nah-NAH". I'm not going to play games with him, not going to engage in arguing but I am not physiclally able to do too much. Any suggestions for dealing with him?
I do miss my husband, terribly. He is here but it's obvious that there is a major strain. I just told him that I'm now going to be out of work on short term disability and that was like another stab in the back. Besides all of this parenting trouble we are having we are also filing bankruptcy. We are in a huge financial mess which I know is also contributing to all of this. So being out of work is another blow. I just want to be happy again.