I am in the process of getting divorced. My STBX and I have been married 7 years. I left our home 3 months ago and moved in with my mom. We also have a 4 year old. The way that we work custody is that I have him 4 nights a week and and he gets him 3 nights a week. I feel that my child has adjusted wonderfully which was my main concern. Occassionally he will whine that he doesnt want to go, but I know once he gets there he is fine. So being that was my biggest worry when I left it turns out that now I am having a hard time with the guilt that I feel. My STBX is having a hard time coping with the pending divorce. In our marriage he had terrible anger issues towards me. He was extremely selfish. He always went straight for the jugular with every argument. He would name call me in front of my son. He has threatened to break my face off the wall. He also would lie to me about his marijuana use. It got to the point where I had to force myself to have sex with him. If I didn't he would get either really angry or really upset. Because in between his terrible behavior he would act normal and considerate. But I couldn't swing back and foerth with him emotionally. I started to despise his touch and him all together. For years I warned him of this. So I intended on leaving him 1 year ago. He be egged me to try counseling. I told him my feelings were gone and don't know if they could ever come back, but I went we went for 6 months together. He went to every appointment, and his temper was a little better, his outbursts were a little lessenned, but he def still had them. While in counseling I caught him smoking weed in the garage while i was in the shower. I started to stop forcing myself to have sex with him. I felt like I was being raped. So that would make him mad. One night he got so mad he pushed me out of bed onto the floor because I didn't want to have sex and threatened me. After the counselor found this out she recommended individual counseling. So he went and I went seperate. During this time he went into my purse and found my journal that I took to counseling. It said in detail how I felt about him and sex. He flipped and said he wanted a divorce. I agreed. But all along he fights me on this. Hewouldn't leave the house. So I left. He didn't want me taking any of his business in the divorce so I didn't. He wanted split custody so I did it. He didn't want to pay child support since we share custody, so I didn't, but that is not enough. The months until I moved out he went out all the time sometimes did not come home. When he did he would either pick a terrible fight with me. So bad that I would call my dad and make him sit on the phone with me because I was afraid. Some nights he would come home crying tthat he wishes I would give him another chance and please do not leave. He would say he gets angry because of the rejection. I did grow so cold towards him along the years. Then he would cry and say that how could I leave him because he needs help with his temper. So fast forward I am mostly happy to be out of the house. But he will not accept this. He asks me to dinner or lunch constantly. He swears he has not touched marijuana. He swears he can be the person I fell in love with again. When he tells me this I either get sick or sad. But the first weekend I moved out and actually the weekend before I moved out he spent some nights with a girl at his parents while they were at camp. When I heard this I was not even jealous. I felt relief. All I want is for him to accept this and be happy. I feel like his sadness is holding me back. But I do not know why it makes me so sad. Is it the Good memories Is it just sympathy? Or deep down is there other feelings. I do not know why I can't feel good about ending this. He constantly swears that he knows how selfish he was and how terrible he treated me. But even if he has changed. I do not think my feelings will even come back. HELP why am I feeling like this??