It took me nearly two months to fully appreciate why NC is so important. There is zero doubt in my mind that my xAP misses me and is certainly upset that I ended our A so abruptly and with little warning.
Cyberstalking and generally maintaining C chips away at our self-respect, self-confidence and integrity.
If there is any chance for a respectable, open, real and proper relationship with my xAP at some point down the road, it simply must begin with ending. In doing so, the subterfuge involved in an illicit A also ends.
We heal, get our lives back, become healthy and openly deal with the root-cause of problems that provided fertile ground for the A to start with.
I have now shut down all avenues of possible communication. It hurt initially but it's absolutely the right thing to do.
My xAP and I were friends. His last words to me we're that he respects my wishes. Leaving the A with respect is what I wanted - and I don't want to mess that up.
I can't predict the future, but this is the only real path to ensuring the A ended properly, getting healthy again and possibly lead to a better place down the road.
So, in the end, NC is not negotiable if we are to have something better in the future.