Sorry that I haven't been on for awhile, just been busy or not been able to check in.  I am back on fb, I keep track of a lot of my friends where we used to live on there and I just couldn't give it up.  I have blocked xap and this time I am determined to keep it that way.  I am just trying to work on myself, figure out why I keep going back to this guy that is no good for me over and over again.  I know a lot has to do with me being very insecure.  For a long time I used my marriage, which was not and is still not in the best place, as an excuse to cheat.  No matter how bad it was or is, my H did and does not deserve that.  The state of my marriage is really mostly my fault because once I started the A, I checked out.  I was planning on leaving my H and this was going to be my "exit affair".  We were going to fall madly and deeply in love and I was going to leave my H and we were going to be together forever.  That wasn't the case obviously.  All xap sees is a ready, willing and able female.  At the end of the day, I DO love my H and he loves me.  I am working on making my marriage work and things are starting to improve.  I have to look in the mirror and tell myself I am beautiful, I am worth it.  I joined the gym and I am trying to work on my self esteem issues.  I have a long way to go, but I am worth it.  It is so hard, but I know in time it will get easier.  Thank you all for being here for me, I have no one else to talk to and I need to get this stuff off my chest.