I have posted on this board more times than I can even remember. I've received a ton of great advice and constructive criticism, but I always manage to end up in the same place. Well here I am again, broken up with the same man that I've allowed to shatter my heart over and over for almost 9 years. The best years of my life (well, my best looking anyway!) were wasted pining over this guy. I've done therapy, boot camp, tried a Justin Sterling Women's Weekend, spent time alone, with family, dating other guys, I've tried everything during breakups with this man to get on with my life and better myself and yet I always end up back with him eventually. Well not this time, this time I'll draw the line and once I move out of here I'm never looking back. Scary thing is I've said that before. It feels different this time, we live together and he's kicking me out. Thank GOD I was able to get a housing scholarship so I can finish school and be able to live independently (was laid off in August 2011) but I can't find a place that will accept my housing scholarship, people look at it like it's welfare or section 8. I've been stuck living with my ex for 3 months now and it's been the hardest 3 months of my life, getting my hopes up then getting my heart broken on a weekly basis. He would use me for sex. Other times we would break up he wouldn't have anything to do with me, but I guess since we live together it's all too convenient for him to just f*c! me every now and then. He is even the one to initiate it. I thought for sure that must mean he wants to work things out. But I ask him and he would just GO OFF ON ME, yelling at me about why it's over, all the horrible things I've done, what a terrible person I am, and what a great guy he's been to me but I "F@CKED IT ALL UP AGAIN". He's such an abusive bastard. This has happened a few times, because after a week he will lighten up and be nice again and try to have sex with me and I'd give in because I missed him... I've had the worst anxiety attacks of my life, feeling some all-time lows that nearly sent me to the ER because I didn't think I could live through it. I've never felt so insecure, financially especially. I have NO security right now. I am on a waiting list for county medical assistance and can't be seen until the end of December. I WANT help, I really want counseling. I've tried Xanax for my anxiety attacks and it just makes me feel worse, which is really crappy because that stuff saved me when I went through my first broken heart. I am in my third semester of medical school and have just one more year to go so I can't blow it, I need to finish so I can pay off the massive student loan debt I've gotten into. I really thought this time we were going to make it. I can't believe I'm back here again, starting over and all alone. He doesn't even care, stays out until midnight or later every night. My best friend just told me three days ago that she's pregnant and I was soooo happy for her!!! We cried together!! Then I got off the phone and cried alone, I'm literally the last of my circle of friends to get married or have a child. I'm 30 and while I know that's still kind of young, I never imagined that my life would play out like this. I'm not a bad person. I believe in Karma. I believe in God. I pray. I do unto others as I would have others do unto me. I keep thinking back to the abortion I had about 6 years ago, he told me if I didn't have the abortion I'd be a terrible mother and I would just get fat and he would hate me because I'd blame him for it all. Then he came up with the ultimate plan, he told me if I had an abortion he would marry me and we would do it right. He even managed to cry a few tears and say he doesn't want another child to go through what his daughter went through, and if he could go back in time and not have her he would in a heartbeat (meanwhile she's asleep in the other room while he tells me this). I had my chance to have the baby I've always dreamed of having and I killed it thinking I would get it in a better scenario. He broke up with me about a week after the abortion. After 2 years apart we got back together and he seemed to have changed. We always stay together about a year to 2 years before he can't handle it anymore and breaks up with me for a year or more. I don't know why I always go back, but I won't ever make that mistake again. If I can only manage to find a place that will take this housing scholarship so I can get out of here and on with my life... I wish I could go back in time, I'd do so many things different. I guess this post was more of a rant/blog then asking for advice. I know what I need to do, it's just hard to do when I feel so alone and distraught at hopeless. I just wanted this guy to love me. I love too much. I need counseling. I need to buck up and just get over it. I need to snap out of it, he's a piece of sh!t. He treats me like dirt. Why can't I just get over this?!!?!?!?!? I need prayers or a miracle or something I don't even know.