I haven't posted here since mid-February.  I've done very well in that time but I can't believe how much I've slid back in the last month or so.  I'm coming up on one year NC (yay!) and feel very proud of myself for having resisted his fishing and my own temptation to reach out.

I feel angry and even embarrassed that despite a full year, I STILL feel so hurt and I miss him frequently.

The A spanned about 10 years on and off, with the last round going a few months before his wife found out (again).

Part of the struggle for me is that we've had several years in between contact before, so  it always feels like it's not entirely over.  Feels like a hiatus.  I know it's over if I WANT it to be over but that's entirely the problem.  Many days I do, but many days I don't.  The other thing I struggle with is the lack of closure.  I know contacting him would NOT be closure, but I'm having a hard time putting questions and issues to rest.  I'm seeing a therapist about all of it but have yet to reach success.

I have a wonderful, supportive husband.  I'm even able to be open with him to some degree about all of this.  He's exceptional and I love our family.  We've never shared the kind of connection I had hoped for but our marriage is solid.

Just looking for positive support.  The reason I left this board six months ago was because I felt people were harsh and judgmental.  Hoping that's changed since.

Thank you!