So, I've been doing alot of thinking.  And realizing so much.  All the negative attributes and issues that I thought I had put on my H and into my M were actually put there by my xAP.  He put so many negative thoughts in my head and convinced me that I was unhappy in my M when I don't know if I ever really was.  My H is a wonderful, supportive, caring man who adores me and never, ever asked for any of this.  He never deserved to be treated as if I didn't care about him.  I'm trying to show him now, in every word and action, what he means to me and that this is exactly where I want to be. 

I'm so glad to be away from the games and the deception.  Another fishing attempt and all it said was "I know you're pissed".  Really??  That doesn't even begin to describe the emotions that I feel.  He fishes and I block.  He's using his children's phones.  That's just wrong.  He's got to come to the end of this eventually.

I feel strong but know that it's right there, around the corner.  The wanting him to want me.  Trying so very hard to not let that get to me.  He is no good.  No good for me. 

The hardest part is that we've gone through so many other periods of NC, that it almost seems like it's just another time.  But, I want this to be the end. 

Onto another week, going to keep busy and my head in the right place.