I am 40 days NC and it is a struggle. But, as the vets say, and as I am learning, NC gives me time to really look at all this for what it was.
I was the ender. BUT, I am now seeing/feeling that XAP had no intention of ever leaving his W for me. His motive was simple: to have something on the side. And he did whatever it took (fake promises, lies, etc.) to keep that going for as long as he could. My T (and my H) tell me that I was probably not his first AP and probably won’t be his last. He’s just “that type”.
But, you know what. I don’t think that I ever really intended to leave my H for XAP either. I didn’t want to break up my family, do that to my daughters. (XAP has no children and his current W is his third W). Certainly in the early stages of the A, we both thought we would leave our spouses for each other. I think that just comes with the early “high” stage of an A, in addition to the fact that we will say and do anything to keep those feel goods coming.
I have told my H about the A, we are in counseling, I am in IC and I/we are working hard to be better people and have a better M. It is HIGHLY unlikely that my XAP is doing any of that. Highly unlikely.
And, here’s my point. Whether you are the ender or the endee, did you really intend to leave your spouse for your XAP? So, for those of you especially that are the endee (I see several on the boards lately) and are struggling, did you really intend to leave your spouse??? I am sure that there are those of us that were ready to leave and many that have, but I am also thinking that there are several of us that really never intended to leave our spouse.
But, with that all being said, I am struggling to let go of the fantasy, the hurt and am trying to forgive myself and XAP. But, when I think about what was REALLY going to happen - i.e. neither of us were going to leave our spouse, it helps me to REALLY see this for what it was. A false relationship.
(I will probably post this on the AAS board also but wanted to post here also to possibly give an endee something to ponder!)