I have had a few revelations this week, and thought it would be helpful for us to share some cold, hard truths about As, why it is difficult to end them once and for all, etc.
Here are mine:
- The reason it's so hard to end an A: if one of you has even a shred of hope that the other still wants him/her, the fishing will never stop. To end it for good, the ender must go total NC and leave NO DOUBT in the xAP's mind that the ender no longer wants them. If you have to be in contact cuz of work or something, any contact must be totally impersonal, distant, and brief. No smiling. No flirting. Basically treat xAP like an annoying stranger blocking your path who you have to ask politely to get past on the street, then walk away. Or cross the street entirely.
- We all romanticize our APs. We don't know the real them and can't, because the relationship is never fully public/real. You're "in love" with a fantasy.
- An affair is a love/sex ADDICTION. You should treat it as such - it's bad for you, harming your life, could lead to majorly bad consequences, and you will have withdrawals when you kick the habit. It will get worse before it gets better. But then it will be SO much better,
- Ending an A is also a major form of grief, and it's even harder because you can't share your pain with anyone, or very few people. Validate your feelings - your sadness is real. You faced a major loss. But life goes on.
- Your relationship is not the exception. If you really loved each other enough, you would be together in a public relationship.