I am nearly 11 months out of my A - but I don’t feel healed these days, I feel a deep sorrow and emptiness in my life that can seem to be filled. I think this is how I was feeling before I started my A with xAP. Desperate for attention, desperate for someone to notice me. I feel inadequate and useless most days, and when I feel this way, I just don’t want to do anything. I hate being me, I hate the feelings I have of myself inside and I want to cry all the time.
I miss my xAP so incredibly much sometimes, but just thinking of him doesn’t hurt – it actually soothes my aches. I don’t actually to think of him very much – but when I feel really down, I will go to bed, and I will think about him, and think of the good times. I will wonder if he thinks about me, misses me or even loved me. I will think about what it would be like to be with him, feel him and love him with my whole heart.
My reality scares me, the responsibility of my reality scares me – 2 children to help raise, and educate, a husband to care and support, a job to succeed in and a being a good daughter to help my parents. Should I have been a mother? Should I have been a wife? Am I able to be a person who does not think of unhealthy ways to comfort herself? Will I ever stop hating myself for being alive. Will I ever not wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t here anymore? I am so tired of feeling this way, and I tired that I have felt this way for most of my life.
Please don’t get me wrong. I love my children, with every part of my body. I loved them since the moment I held them, I have never doubted I could love them – but I have doubted that I was good enough for them. My husband it a kind person, and I loved him so much when we married – I could not live without him in my life, he was everything I ever wanted – and I have no problem being with him the rest of my life – but I find it hard that he does not understand who I am, and what drives me as a person. He doesn’t inspire me, he is always finding reasons why not, or why I do things wrong, or criticizing what I do – or should I say don’t do properly (loading the dishwasher wrong, not cleaning my side of the bed, not giving him enough sex, not being affectionate enough, not disciplining the children enough, not being open enough, the list goes on).
I have been trying to figure out what I’m feeling for a while now – I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. Could be down to starting a new job, and starting from scratch, having to learning so much new stuff, and new people and trying to settle in the best I can. I don’t handle change very well – ever since I was a child I have had difficulty settling into new place, as we moved a lot when I was young. I was a bit of a loner, and in the end the only real friend I had were male friends. I have always felt more comfortable in the company of men – but it’s true, that it’s very difficult for men to be friends with women. I have never had a problem being friends with men, but as soon as they cross the line, I am too scared to make them feel rejected or think I’m a bitch – so I just cross the line too. So now I don’t really have any friends, or at least I have made a point of only having female friends, but I’m just no good at it. I don’t know what to do, or say, or how to act – I have so much good in me, but I think I just end up being someone women hate. I’m too scared to share with anyone about my xAP in fear that I tell the wrong person, and I do not have 1 person in this world I can trust with this information – in real life I mean.
I have missed being here so much, and I think partly being away from here too long, has been dangerous for me. I found it extremely helpful to read here, be helped, and help others. The board being changed has been tough on me, and I still don’t really know if it works, and don’t have the patience to figure it out.
Well I’m going to sign out now – sorry for the miserable post – I have nowhere else to go.