I know this is a little long but I could really use the advice right now. My boyfriend and I are in our mid 20's, kinda doing the long distance thing until I get my degree in the near future. We've been dating for around 5 months now, and yes, we're exclusive. He talks about the future together but obviously things are a little difficult sometimes because of the distance. Anyway, I'll get to the point. I've noticed some red flags. I've been feeling less than confident in this relationship for a little while now, but at the same time its not like we've been together for that long so I don't want to feel like I'm expecting too much or trying to move too fast.
The first red flag was when I noticed he would "forget" things we had talked about and didn't remember certain conversations. It made me feel unimportant but I let it go. I also started noticing that even though he brought me around his friends on several different occasions, he acts distant around me when we're around them (these friends are couples too, so its not just the guys). Its hard to explain but its something I've noticed - He doesn't seem very "into me" when we're around others. The biggest red flag was when I noticed a hallmark card on his dresser. I had seen the card from the very first time I came to his house. At first I assumed it was from a family member or something, as he has family photos everywhere, but it still gave me a bad feeling. Finally one day, I'll admit curiosity got the best of me and I picked up the card. Perhaps this was wrong of me and it shows that I "snooped" a little, but the urge to open that card got the best of me. I was justified in my suspicions, because the card was from his ex. It was from his past birthday which indicated that he may have been dishonest about how long he had been single… either that, or he just has a crappy sense of time. Either way, I brought it to his attention and he said he felt terrible, that he was completely over his ex but that his dresser had all kinds of junk on it and he clearly didn’t realize it was still there and that he needed to get organized and clean out some stuff. I wasn’t entirely satisfied with that answer, because it was a very eye-catching card and I feel like surely he had to have known it was still there. When I came back into his bedroom a little while later, the card was gone. I asked what he had done with it and he said it was in the trash. Now, I’m not crazy so of course I didn’t go snooping through his trash, but it was still odd to me that he didn’t “dispose” of the card in front of me. I kinda feel like he still has that card, but hid it better this time.Now here's the really bad part - in the card, the girl had used a cute little "phrase" that he has used with me! After I had the confrontation with him, I told him he better not ever use that phrase with me again and he agreed and just kept on apologizing. He gave a nice little speech about how I am a huge part of his life now and that she is entirely in the past and that he wishes her well but he's over her and doesn't ever want to lose me. My heart felt like it was being tugged all over the place.
Another thing is that he does not call me, only texts. Even when I’ve had a horrible day with my classes and have texted him that I’m on the verge of tears, he doesn’t call to soothe me or any of that. He’ll send a sweet text but it would be nice to get a phone call just saying “are you okay? Talk about it, I’m here”. I don’t know, maybe I’m expecting too much. I know I know, I could call him too, but guess what? I do put in a lot of effort. I drive the nearly 4 hours round trip to see him, almost every single weekend. I guess his place is the ideal place for us to spend our weekends because its his own house and we have all the privacy we want, but I’m beginning to feel pathetic, like I’m giving too much. Its easy for me to do, because I have a big heart and completely fell for this guy. He didn’t offer to leave work early to make it to a family dinner of mine but he could leave work early to drive to another state with friends to pick up a car that a friend was buying.
Yes, some of these may seem like “in your face” red flags, but at the same time he’s a good person who works hard and has good morals and values, he’s kind and patient with me and doesn’t bring any drama to the table - something I’ve always hoped to find but now there are those glaring red flags that are nagging me to death. He’s constantly telling me that he misses me and loves me and has even already looked at future vacation plans for us, so I’m really confused. I know I should have a talk with him, but I also would like some outside opinions. I have this nagging feeling that maybe he is still in love with his ex. He doesn't talk about her, but the card was one thing... I've also seen little things around his house, like feminine products (vanilla scented lotion tucked away near his kitchen sink, half-used women's shampoo and bodywash still in his shower..) Part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to stick around. I do not think he's cheating, but I do think he may not be ready to be fully invested in something new - Me. I don’t know what to do, I’m completely at a loss and I hate this feeling of being so uncertain about something that is important to me. I also am scared to talk to him because I don't want to come across as needy or clingy.
Thank you for listening, I'm sorry this was so lengthy. Thanks to anyone out there who may have some advice, it would be so greatly appreciated.