Well it has been a rough couple of days but I have decided not to sit still in it. I wanted to share something that was on one of my friend's facebook page.
'There is a law that you will learn very early in the game because it is an unavoidable truth. You will learn it early, but you will fall many times while trying to adhere to it. The law is very straightforward: When your stuff gets hit, let go right then because it will be harder later. It won't be easier if you explore it or play with it, hoping to take the edge off. It won't be easier to think about it, talk about it, or try to release only part of it at a time. If you want to be free to the core of your being, you must let go right away because it will not be easier later.'
This spoke hugely to me because I was doing everything that is the opposite to letting go. Recieving that facebook message opened wounds that I thought were pretty much closed and it sent me into a spiral. On thursday I was speaking to a friend about what had happened. She had had an affair and she could not resist her Xap's fishing and it eventually destroyed her marriage, something that she very much regrets now.
She told me it is not Xap I am missing, I don't feel anything for him, all I am doing is reliving the ending feelings and those feelings tell me all the lies. When I really pondered what she said, I realised she was right. I also realised that sitting in those feelings is almost addictive in a familiar way. Poignant I guess. But I gave myself a good talking to as poignancy leads to unhappiness and self sabotage and I am NOT going there again.
So back to the practical steps. Exploring the why's of what Xap was thinking is entrapment. It steals my peace as I toy with it and try to look at it from my own perception when I really don't know what he is thinking and for the first time in three days, the mantra 'It doesn't matter', finally entered my head. It released me because it truly doesn't matter. What matters is the man who has stood by me and is being so incredibly calm right now even though he could have reacted so very differently. He is waiting to see how it plays out and is trusting I will make the right choices and let it go.What matters is my sense of contentment and happiness, and if I keep thinking about that message and the why's, I will be led further away from the place I have been at for the past few months (and I kind of like it there).
This morning I went into my facebook messages and deleted the message that had been sent to me. I have no wish to hold on to any part of his fishing attempt for one moment longer, it did not validate me in anyway, instead it left me feeling so very hurt and unsettled. And today, I will just keep pushing through any thoughts that are not helpful and clinging tightly to the ones that are.
Newbies, this has been a big reminder for me on how easy it is to slip back into unhealthy thought patterns. How easy it is for my emotions to take control and rule my thoughts and it is a battle to not give in and seek out ways to take the edge off the pain but at the end of the day, it is simply a coping method that only alleviates the pain for a short while. Cyber curiosity, holding on to past emails or texts, daydreaming about past conversations, wondering what Xap is thinking or feeling about you, listening to music that you know only feeds the sadness etc may give a small quick relief but it puts off the healing that is waiting to be embraced. No matter where you are at on this journey out, know that you deserve to be happy, you deserve to feel valued and you deserve to know peace in your heart - don't sabotage it by holding on tightly to something that can't bring you any of those things.
Big (((HUGS))) to you all.