hi fellow ivillagers,
i'm nervous and excited....this is crazy...i had an affair in 2004 to 2006 with a co-worker and ended up with a broken heart and a lost job (unrelated but it always seems to be a consequence somewhere). although she would have left her husband and 2 kids for me, i couldn't leave my 3 kids and wife. the guilt! eventually ow hubby found out and she eventually gave me the axe because i could never commit to her 100%.
here i am, 2012 6 years later and on the verge of another affair with someone 15 years younger with me. a co-worker that i've been talking to via text and at work for the last 3 months. things got off conversationally via a phone app game, then text and now here I am! we met tonight, first time off work, for about 15 minutes around the block to talk before she had to leave. We gave each other a hug before and after we departed. I have not doubt where this is going. i've had this happen before. she's got 2 young kids and i've still got my 3 kids (12 and under). we've text every night back and forth, she's sent me pics via text of her kids at home and different events. We really wanted to see each other tonight so we did for a few minutes. No kissing, but hugging her i could smell her fragrance and started to feel intoxicated. talking to her as the moonlight shown down on her face, i could just feel the magnet and a kiss is just a matter of another meeting or two.
i feel torn! torn because deep down i know this can only go so far. torn because i don't want to get hurt again nor risk losing my job again (unrelated to the relationship but now i'm a manager role and she's a direct report for a different team). part of me wants to stop, but the other part tells me we can keep it at a minimum. i don't think so and by the time i think i need stop it will be too late (as in sexual relationship and all the emotional bondage that goes on). maybe she won't be emotionally tied but something tells me no. She's not been the aggressor, it has been me. texting her how nice she looks and such, she said its hard to receive compliments. she likes them but i think she's not used to it.
long story short, i feel like i'm on a cliff. i think i can look over the cliff without falling. i also know its probably too late once you look over you are too far in. the plunge into a romantic relationship is a week or 2 away. i'm overwhelmed and feel lost. As if i don't know how i got here and feel like this is going to end up in disaster..but can't say no....the allure and false sense of "i can stop at anytime" keeps me going.
if its possible to move forward and remember to see this potential relationship for what it is (and what its not) then i may be ok but how does one keep emotions from becoming invested in a relationship like this?
Thank you :(