So I had made it 4 months and then I went and blew it & sent my xAP an email to wish him a Merry Christmas. I sent it on Christmas Eve and on Christmas day he sends me a response wishing me a merry Christmas back and a Happy New Year. I'm still literally broken inside, and doing this just opened back up old wounds. I still think about him often, not as often as I used to, but now that I went ahead and did this with a response back from him I am just heartbroken again at the loss of him. God these things are so hard. I feel like my heart is ripped out all over again.