It's been a while. I see lot of newbies, and lots of vet faces - it's good to see all of you.
Yesterday I was served with an "official" request from agovt source. xAP is upgrading his security clearance and our affair is in question. Not too long after being served with the official request for information, I also got an email from him via my work email.
I won't lie - I felt physically sick. Even tho it's been 2 years and even tho I've worked out a lot of demons that led me to and through my A, I feel like just when I get to a good place with things somehow that ONE SINGLE DECISION to engage comes back again and again. Every time it does I feel like a failure again. Last night when it reared it's head again I physically felt ill. Even tho I "know" I have come a long way from being the person that chose that, I feel like that one mistake will punctuate parts the rest of my life. HOW do I get past this sense of failure?
I can't believe how much it's crippled me.
Emotionally I feel raw and hurt and angry and frustrated. and dumb. because it was dumb. really really dumb. I just want to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head and munch on comfort foods and make myself feel better.. even tho I know that it's only a temporary feel-good. ugh. But I'm not doing that. I am at work, trying to not feel horrid and beat myself up. It's so dumb that I feel heartbroken all over again in myself. I've sat here all morning examining my life since - and retracing subsequent poor choices because it took me a while to put measures in place not to put myself in the same position again. I know I shouldn't sit here and self-flog - but a part of me feels like I deserve it.
Someone once told me that the reason we have a hard time is because we rarely forgive ourselves for such mistakes. Now I'm left to wonder if this is true - obviously I hold myself emotionally and mentally hostage and if this is so - how on earth do I forgive myself? I've gone round the bend with this - as everyone that I've worked with (therapist, religious person, etc.) tells me it's just a matter of letting it go, or giving it over to God - and for the life of me I thought I had....... but if I have - why am I sitting here feeling such hurt and sadness and grief again???