Yesterday was bad as it was our first day back to work.  By 6:15 he had emailed me and I was pissed.  I emailed him back a while later with lots of anger.  Eventually I called him and told him many things that I had been feeling and none of them were ILY.  He said he understood...blah, blah, blah.  He didn't contact me again and I was livid.  I did some unhealthy things and had a difficult night.

Today, he didn't contact me, but I contacted him.  Eventually he responded a couple of times basically acting as if nothing was wrong.  That is how he deals with confrontation.  He is a counselor and he is trained at de-escalating situations so he does that.  Example: I was recently raped, and he was the first person that I told, right after it happened (a few minutes).  He was really good at calming me down and getting me through the fear.

Well, I just realized that what I want is for him to not be the person to leave me.  Once he contacted me and realized he still wants to have the A, I felt like I can leave. 

So, a little about me.  I've been married for over 22 years, since I was 15.  My H was physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally abusive for most of the marriage.  Culturally I am expected to accept that as that is what women do.  I know this was an exit A and never expected to develop feelings for him.  This is my second A and I don't feel guilty for either because that was the way I was coping being in my marriage. 

He is the first man I have ever trusted with my body.  I tend to be afraid of men.  I don't like being hugged or touched by people.  In fact I don't allow people to touch me, including women and children, unless I trust them.  So, I choose to believe this is love, otherwise I am a slut and I don't want to be that.

So, now how do I fix myself so I can fix my life?  I am seeing my therapist tomorrow.  I am also going to stay connected to friends so I won't contact him.  Finally, I will forgive myself for having mess up badly yesterday.  I am used to physical pain, so I turn to hurting myself when I can't cope with the emotional pain.  tomorrow is a new day and I want it to be good.