So AP had a surgery yesterday. I want so badly to send a message to find out how it went, etc. Not only that but I am feeling so much emptiness. For the last 8 months, since my H left, the only intimate connection I have had has been with AP. I have emailed him daily, mulitple times a day, with where I am going and what I am doing and how I am feeling. Some how that feels like intimacy and I miss it right now. I want to tell him how much it hurts. But I also want to tell him that I know it is the right thing. I want to write to him like I would a friend. I would like to have a relationship with him but I refuse to torture myself for someone who is not able to give me the love I want and deserve and as long as I am 'in love' with him, I will torture myself. Beyond that, I have a lot of healing to do for the loss of my marriage and to restore my relationship with my children. So avoiding a romantic involvement with any man is the wisest course of action for me. I just have not ever since the time I was 13 NOT had a man to obsess over. Yes, obsess. That is exactly how I do relationships. I obsess and completely go all in. I know this is a pattern that must be changed or I will never really find satisfaction. I know that I need to give myself the love that I am looking for from someone else. I know that I can do this...for my self and for my kids and for my job. I just do not like it. But the good news is that even though a part of me (the sick part) wants to immediately replace that relationship or go back to it, I know that I can't do either. I don't want to fall into this pit again. I want to be strong and become a woman who attracts the right man.
Thanks for listening all. Just needed to write it out and feel like someone out there would 'hear'.