Hi, it's me - Messedup2012, yes I changed my name (what a nuisance!) I'm not sure that replying to old threads moves them up to the top of the board anymore (another nuisance) so I have posted his as a new thread and onto the end of my old post http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/eas/ending-your-affair-support/dreadfully-hard  just incase. Thank you to all who replied, you are all right in all your comments and I know it.
So what has happened since my last post..like I said XAP is away from work until the end of February, I decided to stop contact with him & not reply to his texts etc, but then of course as I hadn't explained why I had more texts from him 'is everything ok' 'do you have a problem with your phone' and eventually he rang me at work because he was worried, so I see that it's not necessarily the right way to go, a little explaining first helps!
So I talked to him & said I can't have contact with him and that I cannot be friends because it hurts me to hear about his family etc and it holds me back from getting over it etc. Anyway I won't bore you with all the usual blah blah, I'm sorry, I'm unhappy too etc but I have asked him not to contact me. He's not an evil man and I genuinely believe that he doesn't want me to be upset & therefore will respect it.
I know that when he comes back to work everyone in the office will be talking to him about his time off and how he's been etc and I don't want to hear that so I have booked leave so that I'm not there when he returns so everyone can get the 'welcome back' out of the way. I have also asked him to try not to come into my office unless he has to and if he does can he stick to non personal chat, infact I have even asked him please don't chat about personal matters within earshot of me. As I say, I think he will respect this, hopefully this will give me time to get myself in a better position as I can't bar him from coming into the office permanently.
As for my H and I, our house goes up for sale next week, but I still don't know if it's the right thing, but have spent so many months waiting for time to pass and to feel better and I haven't really, well that's not exactly true, I can have a nice time with my H, but it's more like a friend than someone I want a physical relationship with & I'm not sure if the best thing is to try to put up with that, or whether to let both of us have the chance to meet someone new who can give us what we want. Perhaps it's because XAP has never truely been out of the picture, perhaps with NC (or LC when he comes back to work) I will be able to see clearer about how I feel.
Anyway thank you for all your support and I hope to be back on here telling you how many days I've been NC at some point!