i have only been clean for a week now. i am trying to do it right. i dont have any formal help, i have just done research on getting over drug addiction and depression. I have done pretty much every drug in the book, besides meth, i would never touch that, my dad is and has been a bad meth addict for years. my drugs of choice were xanax and dexedrine, before that heroine for years but i replaced it with the xanax, and took the dexedrine to stay awake during the day. i have also been smoking pot pretty much everyday since i was 12 and alcohol few times a week. sometimes binge drinking. but its all in the past.
since stopping all drugs and alcohol, my mind has been going crazy and i read somewhere that it is good to keep a journal, so i do that now to get out all of the craziness in my mind. i also did a exercise where i think of myself in my mind, not necessarily what i physically see, but what i view when i think of me as a whole, inside and out, its called a true self portrait.
id like to share my journal entries and the self portrait, and if anyone has advice i would realllllly love to hear it.
why are you not happy. lost. a circus, where is reality? what is real? is the circus what is real. I found hope in a borrowed angel, but god needed him more than i, i now know.... "you are handsome"-which part?
i ask myself what is real, what is me, what was i made for. the world paints a picture. full of color, full of life. i find myself simple. the world seems to know who i am, yet i dont. does one really know themselves or is it everyone else who knows?...... what is real?
scared. you tell yourself you are strong, invincible, survived the depths of emotion, yet can smile... interesting, where is the smile's origin?, real?, fake?, What is a "real smile"?-from emotion or intent?..... strong. is my name an accurate representation of you? you know that feeling, when the devil creeps in.
when you die on the inside, the outside becomes favorable, usable. is to live, to really live, the death of the core? I have loved. i do love. i am full of so much love for so many things. how does love become darkness. LOVE- even the most bright of emotions casts a shadow. you are tough, yes, you are, but in your core you know the vulnerability you possess. remember that.