Willow. I've been trying to respond. It's frustrating it isn't easier especially when someone is reaching for help as you are. Please seek a counselor ASAP. You are not getting any happiness in your a. It seems you are adduced to the anticpation. You need to be free of the addiction. I know its a hard thing to do but the. Freedom to live a better life is worth it and you willow are worth it. Try again to post on eas. They will give you the support you need.