This will sound crazy, but its something thats on my mind constantly...
When i was in college, I was date raped by a black guy. I have never told anyone about it, because honestly it was kind of exciting. Just to be saying "no" like a good girl should, but saying "yes" secrectly to myself.
I was brought up in a very conservative Irish family...so I could never date a black guy here at home.
I am married now with two wonderful children (my husband is white), but I cant stop wanting that kind of "forced sex" again. Just to be TAKEN - specifically by a black guy.
This is bad - but when my husband and I are intimate, I find myself more often than not, just closing my eyes and pretending he is a black guy on top of me.
I find myself daydreaming when I am at the grocery store or something and I see a black guy. I wonder to myself "where could he take me and have his way with me?" I dream about getting pulled over by a black police officer, and him ordering me to do whatever he wants to get me out of a ticket. I was getting my oil changed the other day, and it was a black guy that was working on it. I got so flustered....I kept dreaming about him locking the door so no other customers could come in, and then just forcing himself on me. He was not attrative at all, but I actually found myself flirting with him before I left! About a year ago, I was on my way home from a friends house, and I got a flat tire. My husband called AAA for me, and a guy showed up less than 45 minutes later to put the spare tire on for me. And yes, he was black, and yes - I wanted him. I was able to pull into a small office complex - it was a Saturday so it was vacant. But wow....he has no idea that if he made a move on me, I was his. To this day I wonder what I could have said to let him know "hey - if you force yourself on me, I wont fight back!"
I was at our library, and I parked in the lower level garage parking. wouldnt you know, but a black guy got in the elevator with me for the short ride up to the main floor. My heart started racing...I so wanted him to press the elevator "stop" button and just take me without even asking. I would have let him.
I have self-analyzed myself...lol...and I realize that wanting to be forced would be my way of having extramarital sex, but not have to feel guilty for wanting it. It was forced on me, so there was notthing I could do, right?
I love my husband dearly...and i would never do anything to hurt him. But this is an obsession that will always probably be there.