I just need some understanding. I was married almost 9 years. He was nice at first, then we got married. He started out demanding I get everything for him. He would text me or yell to me from downstairs to get him water. I had to bring his plates to him, give him back rubs every night which turned into body rubs. I felt like his slave.
If I didn't do what he said or disagreed with him or didn't understand something, had wrong tone of voice whatever it was- he would started yelling at me- call me bi%*&, cun&, stupid, things like that. He would put his fists up threatening to hit me if I didn't do something right or didn't shut up even if I wasn't even talking.
He put holes in the walls, broke remotes- all in rage-he never actually hit me though. After a while he made me start bathing him.
About a year before I left he stopped having sex. Said if I wanted it -which I didn't cause I hated it- then I had to make a grand gesture like walk around naked or wake him up in middle of night. He acted like I was being punished. He smirked about it.
Without warning or time to think he would sneak up behind me and shove his hand down my pants to play or pull my bra up. He would hold me where I couldn't move - then he would pull out and laugh, like it was a game. Eventually that's how all his hugs became.
He used my crotch as a way to get me to do things. If I said no he would say 'ookkk you have 3 seconds or you know what is going to happen' or he would just grab it. He knew it bothered me. On came the little panics and he seemed to love it.
This is how he was to me, I took the brunt of it. To my kids he would ignore, yell at, as they got older he would order them around to wait on him. I finally left, long story. But I'm gone, he sees them a little.
He had always and still does - act around other people like he's father of the year and was an amazing husband. He doesn't seem to show them what he showed me, he tells people I abandoned him. I'm the bad guy, I take his money every month, I am the reason he's alone. Sometimes I wish he had just hit me so someone could see what he did - it's not just in my head.
I just need help understanding. I want to move on but I get set backs. I don't know how or even want to talk about it.
I'm terrified of a man touching me, I have a hard time taking to men. Which is bad because I have to work with them. My best friends daughter graduates today and I'm going to make up an excuse why not to go to party because I don't know how to act around everybody- anxiety, everything I say is stupid, how do I sit or stand. So many men there.
What was it all, was it emotional abuse cause I'm emotionally exhausted. I feel stuck...