Hi, I’m new here and I’m trying to get some help dealing with the affair that my husband had on me. Right now, I have decided that I want to work on this and hope that I can get through this and move forward. I don’t think anyone really knows what to feel when this happens to them and at least for me, most of my feelings I’m questioning them to see if they are “normal” and “justified”. I think that is where this can help me, see if other women dealing with the same thing are feeling the same way and how they dealt with it.
Here is a quick summary of my story. I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. We have a 2 year old daughter. We got married in Sept, bought a house in January and moved in with my mother for 7 months (Jan – Aug) while the house was being renovated. Our daughter was born in May. These are some of the issues that led up to our marriage falling apart. I take 50% responsibility to what led up to the affair. It was the typical lack of communication. He wanted more passion, I wanted more emotional connection. He would show me his idea of “LOVE” which is sex, and I would show him my idea of “LOVE” which is being taken care of. Both of us were trying, but neither one of use seen the other trying because they weren’t trying the way that they needed. We know that know and are working on it.
Just before Christmas 2012 we had hired an electrical apprentice (I own an electrical company with my husband) and it was a young female (22 years). I’m 30 and my husband is 32. I had no problem with this hire, if my daughter wanted to become an electrician I would hope someone would give her a job and not turn her down because she is a women. At the end of February, by husband started to get involved in her personal life, she just broke up with her fiancé so he went to her place to change her locks for her. She needed help to get her roommates to move out because they weren’t paying their bills. Then one night she texted him to tell him that she wouldn’t be into work because she went to talk to her ex and she got her truck stuck. My husband was more upset that she went after the ex and not the fact that she was missing work. That struck me as odd and I asked him to remove himself from her personal life as I was feeling uneasy. He told me he felt protective of her and she had no friends or family around and he is all she has. He became close with her and started to talk to her about our problems in our relationship and what he was missing and all the stuff I did to piss him off. She became his best friend. Then he said he needed some time away to think. He moved out for 4 days. He came back, we talked about our issues and said we wanted to work this out. A week later my husband was taking a planned road trip to go pick up a car that he bought in the fall. It was a long trip (5 days) and I asked if I could come. This was a good time to just have some alone time, have fun, no kid, just fall in love again. Well he didn’t like that idea and we got into a fight. He didn’t come home that night. The next day he took off for his road trip and never said goodbye. I had a bad feeling about it and went to HER house and found my husband’s truck in her driveway behind her Apartment. I called him and asked him if she was with her, he said yes, I asked if they were sleeping together, he said no, and then he ignored me for the rest of the trip. I packed all of his stuff up and had it ready to kick him out when he came home if he choose her over me. I wanted to believe what he was saying and wanted to work this out. He came home and we talked for hours, made up and were going to move on. We decided that he would move into our summer home for a bit while we work this out and date each other and fall back in love. We have no cable or internet at our second house so I asked him to stay away from HER while we work through this and that is when he told me he was actually going to stay in her spare room a couple nights a week. 3 days later, he told me we were done. 3 days after that, we were working it out, then 2 days later he started to ignore me again. Then 5 days after that we started talking again. This whole time I’m giving everything I have to save this marriage. Then one day SHE was away for the weekend and he spent the weekend with me. He left his phone alone and went outside so I looked at it. He was texting her that he LOVED HER and he missed her and he couldn’t wait till she got home tonight. He was typing this as we were “working” it out. I called him out on it and said it was me or her. I think he chose me.
This is where I am having the problem. I feel like I had to convince him to choose me. After we talked about everything, he said he didn’t love her, but once they had sex she pulled out the I Love You card and since he was living at her place, he needed to go with it or he would have nowhere to stay. He said that he got played. Looking back on it, she knew exactly what to do to get him because he has been telling her everything that is wrong in our relationship. Then once she “had” him she changed and he didn’t like the “new” her and wanted out, but didn’t know how to. Needless to say, she no longer works for me, started to harass me, even tried to bribe me for $10,000 to keep her mouth shut. She sent me graphic texts and pictures of their relationship. It was a great time in my life. So now I’m trying to pick my life back up and move on. But here are some of the stumbling blocks that I’m trying to overcome and need to know if this is normal and how to get through it.
First I’m not sure if he wants to be with me or he has nowhere else to go. He didn’t choose me over her, he realized she wasn’t what he wanted and I was there willing to take him back. If I didn’t find out about the affair and told him to chose, would we be together? He didn’t realize I was better than her, he just realized her didn’t want her at that time. We even talked about it and he said he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to date anyone. If maybe he gave it 6 months before he started dating her, that maybe they could have been together. So to me that means, he liked her but the timing wasn’t right. So what is going to stop him in the future? He didn’t come back for me. He says he did and gets upset when I try and tell him how I feel.
Second, I don’t think he realizes how hurt I am and what he did. I don’t know why this is such a huge deal to me but it is and I don’t know if I can get over this without it. He thinks everything should be ok and that we should be back to normal. If I have something that triggers me to remember all of it, he gets mad that I’m ruining the good moment that we were just having. If he understood what he has done, he wouldn’t make me feel like that. It’s like he doesn’t feel bad at all for it. Although he says he does, his actions aren’t showing it which is what I’m having a hard time with. I want him to grovel at my feet and beg for forgiveness. But I feel like I’m the one that is doing it and it pissed me off so much! Why can’t he see this! If I don’t feel like he knows what he did was wrong, how can I trust that he won’t do it again?